Pointless Prizeless Challenge #87: Render A Ridiculous RPG Character

13

Comments

  • mori_mannmori_mann Posts: 1,150

    Ah, but he was introduced before. At lesat, the name was. With a general description. So the header seemed a bit redundant ;) But as the panel wishes, I will edit. 

    Although.. wan't it our mission to annoy them?

  • 3dcheapskate3dcheapskate Posts: 2,603
    edited October 2017
    mori_mann said:

    Ah, but he was introduced before. At lesat, the name was. With a general description. So the header seemed a bit redundant ;) But as the panel wishes, I will edit. 

    Although.. wan't it our mission to annoy them?

    Indeed it was! And I think the fools had fallen for the "it's actually just really, really good roleplaying " ploy...

    Fourth Serious Gamer (doing that wise beard-strokey thing): "Yeeeess! It's like that, you know... what do they call it?

    Sixth Serious Gamer: "Method acting?"

    Fourth Serious Gamer: "Ah yes, 'method acting' - living the character even when you're not playing them."

    Third Serious Gamer (with a guffaw of contempt):"I've been doing that for years! That's why all MY characters are so really, really, good and believable."

    [The rest of the Panel Of Serious Gamers look at each other with barely concealed smiles, and there's a lot of tittering and chuckling]

    ...or maybe not!

    Post edited by 3dcheapskate on
  • 3dcheapskate3dcheapskate Posts: 2,603
    mori_mann said:
    ...The long-awaited 

    Nocan Dizlectiqus the Bearabrain!

    We catch him while he's trying to read a complicated incantation from his (upside down) spellbook, which - of course - fails spectacularly. Fortunately, he always keeps his club within reach for such situations to deal with the threat at hand with a rather conventional smack over the head instead. Good thing he always dresses for both his mage and barbarian classes..

    The Panel eventually came to the conclusion that method acting is not a good idea when it comes to RPG characters. And then one of them remembered what they're actually here for... yes, you're way ahead of me, "Hang on... I'm not going down a dungeon with a barbarian shaman who always muddles up the words of his spells! Not again - remember what happened last time... ?"

    1st SG (giggling): "You have to admit that it was quite funny..."
    2nd SG (chuckling): "Fire balls indeed!"

    I do believe that the Panel Of Serious Gamers are gradually coming round to our way of thinking...

    yes This Nocan Dizlectiqus The Bearabrain gets the stamp of approval as a ridiculous RPG character ! yes

  • 3dcheapskate3dcheapskate Posts: 2,603
    edited October 2017

    ( I think Nocan's spells are messing with my internet connection - there was an illusory duplicate post here)

    Post edited by 3dcheapskate on
  • 3dcheapskate3dcheapskate Posts: 2,603
    edited October 2017

    Here are the scores so far - one smiley-icon-thingy for each version of a character

    • Gotterdammerung Battletank no
    • Pussywillow heartyes
    • Cybersonjano yes
    • Dilbo Dagginsno
    • Penitenziagite Thwackmallet yes
    • Torquey Mulder Tounguetwisterdevil
    • Grizhelda Gray-Gracklessurprise
    • Sir Smuggly Smuggins angel
    • Weirdwulf Weaslewhiskerscheeky
    • Nocan Dizlectiqus the Bearabrainyes
    • Sir Fartsalot yes

    Key: yes=accepted; no=rejected; I'm not sure what any of the others mean

    Post edited by 3dcheapskate on
  • 3dcheapskate3dcheapskate Posts: 2,603
    edited November 2017

    (post deleted as the thread's been resurrected... briefly)

    Post edited by 3dcheapskate on
  • 3dcheapskate3dcheapskate Posts: 2,603
    edited November 2017

    Grasshopper Gamgee

     

    What party would be complete without a hobbit monk, eh ? A hobbit monk with a really, really big hammer.

    (the second attached pictureis just to give a sense of scale)

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    HobbitMonkScale.jpg
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    Post edited by 3dcheapskate on
  • 3dcheapskate3dcheapskate Posts: 2,603
    edited November 2018

    It being (or more accurately, it having just been) Thanksgiving for those you in the US of A, how about another variation of a previously suggested name...

    Name: Turkey Moulder Tonguetwister

    This one definitely sounds rather unsavoury to me.

    Probably a half-orc, or maybe even a full orc... "Nooo! Everybody knows you never go full orc !"

     

     

    It's now next year (just to be clear I'm referring to 2018 - that clarification just in case it's 2019 or later when you read this) and this thread seems to be securely entombed in its crypt. So now's probably a good time for a reminder (which hopefully WON'T bump the thread as it's just an edit, not a new post):

      This being a challenge with the properties of pointlessness and prizelessness, it also inherently acquires the property of closingdatelessness...

    ...so if you have an idea for a stupid RPG character go ahead and post it, regardless of how long ago this last post was !

    Post edited by 3dcheapskate on
  • 3dcheapskate3dcheapskate Posts: 2,603
    edited October 2019

    It being two years since the last post, I should have probably gone for a necromancer.

    But I didn't.

    Instead I introduce to the panel of serious gamers...

    Gimbal Lock

    Dwarven thief from the renowned Quaternion clan.

    Like all Quaternions, he's absolutely spiffingly excellent at picking obliterating locks.

    Not so good at hiding in shadows.

    ( I wonder if anybody can work out what the reaction of the panel of serious gamers is likely to be ? )

    Render 1.jpg
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    Post edited by 3dcheapskate on
  • WinterMoonWinterMoon Posts: 1,725
    edited October 2019

    Caitlin McBride

    Backstory: Caitlin Rain Eilish Irmengard Silvermoon Sorrow McBride lived in a ghostic castle on the moor of Dunkenny, in a wild and hard land where the wolves howled at the harvest moon. She was the last keeper of the Secret of the House of Aeramorhan, a secret so terrible that the very knowledge of it was known to drive a man insane. But Caitling was a girl, so she was safe, LOL! She herded her sheep on the moor. It was foggy and raining.

    Suddenly there was this sexy knight on a black horse. He came storming out of the fog and his scarlett cape billowing in the back of him. “Caitlin Mc Bride!” he shouted on the wind. “You are the chosen one!” Then he rode into the storm and disappeared.

    Caitlin hearded all her gothic black sheeps back home, and started reading a big leather book about propheties. She found a chapter called “The Chosen One”. It said: Caitlin you have to travel to the Valley of Sorrow. There is a dark tower there, and you must find the key. It holds the powers to help you fight the dark evils.

    It was very scary.

    Caitlin put on a pair of black velvet medieval jeans, that laced sexily up the legs, and a pair of black leather boots with silver buckles. She put on a black shirt with lace collar and cuffs and a black and scarlet tunic with corset on the front. Then she grabbed her sharp sword and a silver dagger. She put her long, ravenblack hair in a braid, and took her long bow and arrows. When she rode her wild black stallion across the moors, and came to the ruins of an old mansion, that was all overgrown with ivy and vines. She saw the light was on and an old wizeman lived there. So she stopped and asked him if he knew anything about the dark tower.

    “Caitlin,” he said sadly with years of wisdom. “You're so young and beautiful, you shouldn't have to be the one who has to keep the secret of the House of Aeramorhan. It has driven many a strong man mad, and my brother who was a noble warrior clawed his own heart out in despair. But that was many years ago, when we fought the Dark Evils with the bravery of our hearts.”

    “But I'm born in sadness,” Caitlin said, looking sorrowing and beautiful. “I'm the right one to bear this heavy burden of things that can't be known, because I see the beauty in pain.”

    “You are a brave heart,” said the old man with a tear in his eyes. “With your help we can reclaim again the glory of the ancient ways. You must go to the castle of Blackvale, and learn the secret art of the warriors.”

    So she travelled there on her horse.

     

    (Caitlin is my fictional character's fictional character, who she also roleplays as.)

    Post edited by WinterMoon on
  • 3dcheapskate3dcheapskate Posts: 2,603
    edited October 2019

    [long pause, during which the Panel Of Serious Gamers exchange many puzzled, slightly suspicious glances]

    Fourth Serious Gamer (doing that wise beard-strokey thing): "Sooooo... she knows where to find the key with the power to fight the Dark Elves, eh ?"

    [another long pause]

     

     

     

     

     

     

    Post edited by 3dcheapskate on
  • 3dcheapskate3dcheapskate Posts: 2,603
    edited October 2019

    Second Serious Gamer (sotto voce): "Pssst ! She didn't say Dark Elves. She said Dark Elvises."

    [as one, the Panel Of Serious Gamers recoil in horror]

    Post edited by 3dcheapskate on
  • SaphirewildSaphirewild Posts: 6,020

    Some great game renders thus far Pete!

  • WinterMoonWinterMoon Posts: 1,725

     

    Second Serious Gamer (sotto voce): "Pssst ! She didn't say Dark Elves. She said Dark Elvises."

    [as one, the Panel Of Serious Gamers recoil in horror]

    Caitlin has the power to fight the Dark Elvises. She can summon blue Power Balls to throw at them.

     

  • 3dcheapskate3dcheapskate Posts: 2,603
    edited October 2019

    Some great game renders thus far Pete!

    Thank you so much ! 

    ( By the way, did you ever manage to sit down for that cup of tea with Sir Smuggley Smuggins ? Or did you give it a miss. )

    Post edited by 3dcheapskate on
  • SaphirewildSaphirewild Posts: 6,020

    Some great game renders thus far Pete!

    Thank you so much ! 

    ( By the way, did you ever manage to sit down for that cup of tea with Sir Smuggley Smuggins ? Or did you give it a miss. )

    I gave it a miss!

  • 3dcheapskate3dcheapskate Posts: 2,603
    edited October 2019
    TigerAnne said:

     

    Second Serious Gamer (sotto voce): "Pssst ! She didn't say Dark Elves. She said Dark Elvises."

    [as one, the Panel Of Serious Gamers recoil in horror]

    Caitlin has the power to fight the Dark Elvises. She can summon blue Power Balls to throw at them.

     

    [gasps of awe, and whistles of amazement]

    Sixth Serious Gamer: "Wow ! She can summon blue suede powerballs, and she isn't afraid of throwing things at the Dark Elvises ! She must be a very high level dual-class witch sorceress* / music critic !"

    First Serious Gamer: "...and even better, she can even talk in the same sensible typeface that we do !"

    [much backslapping and 'jolly good show' type stuff, plus some approving deep rumbling "HOOOOOMMMM!"s and impressions of slow-moving lumbering giant plants**]

     

    Now perhaps those accustomed to the way these things pan out may have noticed that something's missing... ?

     

    "But didn't you hear what she said ? I mean the important bits - she's The Chosen One... The Last Keeper Of The Secret."

     

    [exchanges of confused, perplexed glances]

    "Doesn't that ring any bells ?"

    [much shrugging of shoulders and 'search me' type gestures]

    "No way ! I'm not going to fight the Dark Elvises with the chosen one... the last keeper of the Secret. Not again - remember what happened last time... ?"

     

    Hmmm...I wonder where that green rubber-stamp went?

     

    *PC (as in Pathetical Correctness, as opposed to Player Character) correction - lady wizards can be quite particular about the W word, as has been alluded to before
    **for any newcomers, that particular reaction was first mooted as a possible response to Pussywillow the pussywillow.

     

     

    Post edited by 3dcheapskate on
  • 3dcheapskate3dcheapskate Posts: 2,603
    edited October 2019

    Some great game renders thus far Pete!

    Thank you so much ! 

    ( By the way, did you ever manage to sit down for that cup of tea with Sir Smuggley Smuggins ? Or did you give it a miss. )

    I gave it a miss!

    Probably a wise move. He'd more than likely have gone for the "Keep him/her/it busy while the little fellas sneak up behind him/her/it !" variation of his "How To Subdue A Troll", and you'd have found yourself in troll remedial rehabilitation classes.

    I recall that after Sir Smuggley Smuggins offered you that cup of tea, I then suggested an alternative, "...an original (i.e. less boring) way to explain RPGs... I think I have a novel idea for that. Have you ever played boardgames like Monopoly ?"

    Well, here's the first part of that explanation - I hope it'sworth the two year wait...

    Picture the scene: a table set up for a traditional game of Monopoly,with eight players ready to start. All the Chance cards and Community Chest cards are stacked neatly in two piles, all the money nicely stacked in those handy receptacles in the box, along with the houses, hotels, and the property and utility cards.

    But who is this ninth person ? Why,he's the GM, the Games Master !

    GM: "I'd like to welcome our eight Serious Monopoly Players to this world first Monopoly Role-Playing Event. You don't need to know the rules, because I'm you're Games Master, and I'm here to provide a guiding hand. So if you're all ready, we'll get started."

    All eight Serious Monopoly Players nod their heads excitedly.

    GM (scrutinizing the pieces assembled in the corner of the board): "Okay, so we have a shoe, an iron, a top hat, a battleship, a thimble, a racing car, a wheelbarrow, and a little dog crowded together on a square in the corner of a green board. On the floor of this square are the two red letters O and G, and next to them is a red arrow pointing along one edge of the board..."
    (GM looks expectantly at the players)
    GM; "So what are you going to do?"
    Iron player: "I'll roll two six sided dice"
    GM: "Okay, go on"
    Iron player (reading the result of his dice roll): "Three and four, so seven"
    (Iron player reaches for his playing piece, but the GM slaps his arm sharply)
    GM: "What do you think you're doing ?"
    Iron player (puzzled): "I was going to move my piece"
    GM: "You're an iron ! An inanimate object ! You can't move of you own volition!"
    Iron player: "So what was the point of rolling the dice then ?"
    GM: "It was an intelligence roll - you failed. You're an iron ! You have zero intelligence."
    Iron player: "So what am I supposed to do then?"
    GM: "Wait until somebody with some laundry comes along?"
    Top Hat, Thimble, and Wheelbarrow players look at each other, shake their heads, get up, and walk off.
    Battleship Player (with a smug chuckle): "Well, I'm not inanimate! I'll start up my engines and prepare to steam around the board"
    GM: "No you won't! You're landlocked. You're stuck!"
    (Battleship player mutters something under his breath,gets up and walks off)
    Racing Car player (with an even smugger chuckle): "Well I'm in my element here - handbrake off, and I'll start driving round the board"
    GM: "No you won't! Your driverless."
    (Racing Car player mutters something under his breath,gets up and walks off)
    (GM looks expectantly at Scotty Dog player)
    Scotty Dog player: "Errr... I'll cock my leg on the tyre of the car, and then go and hump the top hat ?"

    Lesson 1: Always choose a character that can do something of its own volition

     

    Post edited by 3dcheapskate on
  • GordigGordig Posts: 5,004

    Adventuring Party

    This scene is made up almost entirely of things I bought during the PC+ sale, and sprung from the idea of assembling the least impressive adventuring party possible. The anchor is my recurring character Bort the Present, center, who is perpetually in over his head. To his right are Sir Baldric, doughy semi-retired knight, and Suzie, sorceror's apprentice....'s niece. To his left, Jamora, aspiring spearmaiden and Fabricio the Very Mighty. It's my first scene with Terradome 3, and I used it basically out of the box, but will play around with it more. Maybe there's a more realistic grass texture within Terradome, maybe I should have just dropped some of Erock's grass to anchor them to the scene better, maybe a lot of things. For now, here it is.

  • 3dcheapskate3dcheapskate Posts: 2,603
    edited November 2019

    [long silence]

    Second Serious Gamer (whispering): "One of them's a muppet."

    [another long silence]

    Third Serious Gamer (smuggly): "You obviously missed the limited edition Experts' Monster Addendum Almanac - he's a meztling*, not a muppet."

     

    *Using the same esoteric alphanumerological formula that turned 'hobbit' into 'halfling'

    Post edited by 3dcheapskate on
  • 3dcheapskate3dcheapskate Posts: 2,603
    edited April 2020

    Covid The Barbarian, Despoiler Of Civilizations, Usurper Of Kings !

     

    Covid The Barbarian, Despoiler Of Civilizations, Usurper Of Kings ! (that's the given name his parents registered on his birth certificate. Including the exclamation mark.) is a multi-class Barbarian-Assassin.
    It's very easy to stay more than 2 metres away from him when he's in his barbarian guise, swinging his sticks with spiky balls on the ends.

    But as an assassin he's a master of disguise, which makes it easy for him to get close to you without raising any suspicions,

    and then...
    Thwhack! Thwhack!

    So the best defence against him is to stay at least 2 metres away.

    From everybody.

    CovidTheBarbarian.jpg
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    Post edited by 3dcheapskate on
  • ZateticZatetic Posts: 227

    It being (or more accurately, it having just been) Thanksgiving for those you in the US of A, how about another variation of a previously suggested name...

    Name: Turkey Moulder Tonguetwister

    This one definitely sounds rather unsavoury to me.

    Probably a half-orc, or maybe even a full orc... "Nooo! Everybody knows you never go full orc !"

     

     

    It's now next year (just to be clear I'm referring to 2018 - that clarification just in case it's 2019 or later when you read this) and this thread seems to be securely entombed in its crypt. So now's probably a good time for a reminder (which hopefully WON'T bump the thread as it's just an edit, not a new post):

      This being a challenge with the properties of pointlessness and prizelessness, it also inherently acquires the property of closingdatelessness...

    ...so if you have an idea for a stupid RPG character go ahead and post it, regardless of how long ago this last post was !

    Dibs

  • 3dcheapskate3dcheapskate Posts: 2,603
    edited April 2020

    Ah, I see that I'll have to reaquaint myself with the dibbage system... crying

     

    And while I do that, let's listen in to what the panel of serious gamers are saying...

    First Serious Gamer [drumming fingers on the tabletop]: "One thing bothers me about this Covid The Barbarian. Even if he's a super-expert at disguise I don't think he could pull off that pink bikini one. It's simply a case of... volume - there's just... well... too much of him to fit."

    Sixth Serious Gamer: "Perhaps the disguise is magical ? Maybe he's a Barbarian/Assassin/Illusionist."

    Fourth Serious Gamer: "Or he could be wearing the Underpants Of Illusion"

    [raised eyebrows and murmers of 'could be' all around. Everybody looks at the Second Serious Gamer]

    First Serious Gamer [addressing Second Serious Gamer]: "You had experience with the Underpants Of Illusion once. What do you think?"

    [pause]

    Second Serious Gamer [muttering to himself, in a huffity, pouty, arms-foldy manner]: "I still think Fabricio the Very Mighty looks suspiciously like a muppet. I've never heard of 'meztlings', and I have all the books. I think you're making it up."

    [another pause]

    Third Serious Gamer: "Um. If Covid The Barbarian uses the pink bikini disguise all the time, I think she'd be a huge benefit to our party..."

     

    P.S. Has anybody found the green rubber stamp ?

     

    P.P.S. By the way, it appears that Weirdwulf Weaselwhiskers is still undibbed... do we have any dibbers ?

     

     

    Post edited by 3dcheapskate on
  • 3dcheapskate3dcheapskate Posts: 2,603
    edited April 2020

     Found it !

    For her ability to beat the Panel Of Serious Gamers at their own game... yes

    Caitlin McBride

    Backstory: Caitlin Rain Eilish Irmengard Silvermoon Sorrow McBride lived in a ghostic castle on the moor of Dunkenny, in a wild and hard land where the wolves howled at the harvest moon. She was the last keeper of the Secret of the House of Aeramorhan, a secret so terrible that the very knowledge of it was known to drive a man insane. But Caitling was a girl, so she was safe, LOL! She herded her sheep on the moor. It was foggy and raining.

    Suddenly there was this sexy knight on a black horse. He came storming out of the fog and his scarlett cape billowing in the back of him. “Caitlin Mc Bride!” he shouted on the wind. “You are the chosen one!” Then he rode into the storm and disappeared.

    Caitlin hearded all her gothic black sheeps back home, and started reading a big leather book about propheties. She found a chapter called “The Chosen One”. It said: Caitlin you have to travel to the Valley of Sorrow. There is a dark tower there, and you must find the key. It holds the powers to help you fight the dark evils.

    It was very scary.

    Caitlin put on a pair of black velvet medieval jeans, that laced sexily up the legs, and a pair of black leather boots with silver buckles. She put on a black shirt with lace collar and cuffs and a black and scarlet tunic with corset on the front. Then she grabbed her sharp sword and a silver dagger. She put her long, ravenblack hair in a braid, and took her long bow and arrows. When she rode her wild black stallion across the moors, and came to the ruins of an old mansion, that was all overgrown with ivy and vines. She saw the light was on and an old wizeman lived there. So she stopped and asked him if he knew anything about the dark tower.

    “Caitlin,” he said sadly with years of wisdom. “You're so young and beautiful, you shouldn't have to be the one who has to keep the secret of the House of Aeramorhan. It has driven many a strong man mad, and my brother who was a noble warrior clawed his own heart out in despair. But that was many years ago, when we fought the Dark Evils with the bravery of our hearts.”

    “But I'm born in sadness,” Caitlin said, looking sorrowing and beautiful. “I'm the right one to bear this heavy burden of things that can't be known, because I see the beauty in pain.”

    “You are a brave heart,” said the old man with a tear in his eyes. “With your help we can reclaim again the glory of the ancient ways. You must go to the castle of Blackvale, and learn the secret art of the warriors.”

    So she travelled there on her horse.

     

    (Caitlin is my fictional character's fictional character, who she also roleplays as.)

     

    Post edited by 3dcheapskate on
  • 3dcheapskate3dcheapskate Posts: 2,603
    edited April 2020

    Fabricio appears to have caused a schism amongst the PanelOf Serious Gamers regarding his muppetness. I think that this is more than good enough ! yes

    Gordig said:

    Adventuring Party

    This scene is made up almost entirely of things I bought during the PC+ sale, and sprung from the idea of assembling the least impressive adventuring party possible. The anchor is my recurring character Bort the Present, center, who is perpetually in over his head. To his right are Sir Baldric, doughy semi-retired knight, and Suzie, sorceror's apprentice....'s niece. To his left, Jamora, aspiring spearmaiden and Fabricio the Very Mighty. It's my first scene with Terradome 3, and I used it basically out of the box, but will play around with it more. Maybe there's a more realistic grass texture within Terradome, maybe I should have just dropped some of Erock's grass to anchor them to the scene better, maybe a lot of things. For now, here it is.

    Fabricio the Very Mighty

     

    Post edited by 3dcheapskate on
  • WinterMoonWinterMoon Posts: 1,725

    Awwww, my little Caitlin is a certified ridiculous character! heart

  • ZateticZatetic Posts: 227

    The village used to have a blacksmith that would try to sell roasted turkeys a couple of times a month. To cook his turkeys, he would place them around his smithy and rely on the radiant heat from his forges to roast them. Unfortunately, the heat also tended to cause the turkeys to moulder. This gave rise to a local tonguetwister that is still recited today:

    How many turkeys would a turkey moulder moulder if a turkey moulder could moulder turkeys?

     

    TurkeyMoulderTonguetwister.png
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  • Name: Sir Fartsalot

    whose gaseous indiscretion were renowned throughout the Realm. 

    Behinders, also known as Ass Tyrants, Elderberry Orbs, and Gastators, are probably among the most feared when it comes to monsters that use foul gases as one of their weapons. Some have even been rumored to put adult Green Dragons to shame when it comes to lethal gassings. It consists of a large round floating body having two large cheeks and a central orifice, above which a large eye is located. From the top of its main body sprouts several or more appendages of which to the ends are attached what appear to be the lower torso, behinds, and strong legs of humanoids. Each also has its own eye positioned just above its respective central orifice between the "hindquarters". Besides having the ability to shoot waste & spew gases for various effects(some potentially lethal and far-reaching), death from Behinder kicks, stomping rampages, and cheek smotherings are also real possibilities; especially when the Behinder wants to mete out punishment up close and personal. Never mess with those "cheeks of many reeks" unprepared, or your adventuring party could find itself kicked, stomped, and gassed... hhhorribly

  • 3dcheapskate3dcheapskate Posts: 2,603
    edited May 2020

     

    Zatetic said:

    The village used to have a blacksmith that would try to sell roasted turkeys a couple of times a month. To cook his turkeys, he would place them around his smithy and rely on the radiant heat from his forges to roast them. Unfortunately, the heat also tended to cause the turkeys to moulder. This gave rise to a local tonguetwister that is still recited today:

    How many turkeys would a turkey moulder moulder if a turkey moulder could moulder turkeys?

     Fifth Serious Gamer (dismissively): "Blacksmith? That's more of an NPC I think."

    [raised eyebrows, one or two gasps of surprise, and looks of disbelief exchanged between the other serious gamers]

    Sixth Serious Gamer: "Soooo... you've obviously forgotten Hephaestus Anvilthighs ?"

    [brief reenactments of various unlikely incidents (with sound effects)... sneeeek ... chigita-chigita-chigita ... woooOOP WOOOooop... thwwwllooumph ... ]

    Seventh Serious Gamer: "But she wasn't really a blacksmith, was she? She was an Elementalist... a sort of fire/earthbender. The only blacksmithy thing she ever really did was hitting things with a big hammer."

    Third Serious Gamer (easing into a passable Nosferatu* impression as he speaks): "Zoooo... maybe Meester Turkey Moulder Tonguetwister eeezzn't just an ordinary blacksmith either. Judging from his turkeys, and his dark black armour... he would appear to be a dual-class Blacksmith... Necromancer. Didn't you see the dead mouldy turkeys were still moving ?"

    [all except the fifth Serious Gamer join in with miscellaneous evil character impressions and evil cackling]

    Fifth Serious Gamer: "What in Crom's name is 'dark' black armour?"

    Second Serious Gamer (in a Wicked Witch Of The West voice): "Fly, my darling dead mouldy turkeys ! Bring Dorothy to me !"

    [Serious Gamers (except #5) start throwing things at random]

     

    Hang on a mo', I think the serious gamers are losing the plot here...

    Oh dear, I think we're going to have to postpone judgement on Turkey Moulder Tonguetwister...

     

    *yes, I know that Nosferatu was a silent movie. But if you tape a pair of chopsticks to your incisors you can get a very good idea of what he probably sounded like. Bugs Bunny.

    Post edited by 3dcheapskate on
  • 3dcheapskate3dcheapskate Posts: 2,603
    edited May 2020

    Name: Sir Fartsalot

    whose gaseous indiscretion were renowned throughout the Realm. 

    Behinders, also known as Ass Tyrants, Elderberry Orbs, and Gastators, are probably among the most feared when it comes to monsters that use foul gases as one of their weapons. Some have even been rumored to put adult Green Dragons to shame when it comes to lethal gassings. It consists of a large round floating body having two large cheeks and a central orifice, above which a large eye is located. From the top of its main body sprouts several or more appendages of which to the ends are attached what appear to be the lower torso, behinds, and strong legs of humanoids. Each also has its own eye positioned just above its respective central orifice between the "hindquarters". Besides having the ability to shoot waste & spew gases for various effects(some potentially lethal and far-reaching), death from Behinder kicks, stomping rampages, and cheek smotherings are also real possibilities; especially when the Behinder wants to mete out punishment up close and personal. Never mess with those "cheeks of many reeks" unprepared, or your adventuring party could find itself kicked, stomped, and gassed... hhhorribly

    Third Serious Gamer: "Those buttholders are really nasty..."

    Sixth Serious Gamer: "Worse than beholders - not just eyes but ane-eyes too. So you have to be extremely careful if you want to try and incapacitate them by poking them in the eyes"

    First Serious Gamer: "Oh lordy, I remember that - the Lair Of Khazi, wasn't it ? Absolutely horrible..."

     

    [a sudden whimper of terror]

     

    "No way, NO WAY ! I'm not going on a quest with a turkey-zombifying Blacksmith-Necromancer if there's even the vaguest chance of running into behinders ! Not again ! You obviously do* remember what happened last time... !"

     

     

    P.S. Coming up with this rubbish, and reading it again later, always gives me a good chuckle. I'd definitely recommend it as therapy in these gloomy days. Give it a try !

     

     

     

    *Okay, if you insist I'll explain.
    But be forewarned - although the explanation is brief, it's unpleasant... in the extreme.

    So if you're of a delicate disposition then please close your eyes while reading what follows....

    Have you got your eyes firmly closed ?
    I don't believe you !

    So just to be on the safe side the explanation is also protected by virtual hazard warning tape**:

    The description of behinders in the "Grimoire Arcanus" of the mad magus Madmagus reveals that the 'legs' on the ends of its appendages are actually articulated mandibles.

    Being eaten alive by a behinder is probably the most unpleasantly embarassing way any adventurer could shuffleoff this mortal coil

     

    ** to temporarily peel off virtual hazard warning tape you have to do some sort of click-draggy thing

    Post edited by 3dcheapskate on
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