OT : Very Depressed & Hopless After Father's Death & Afriad Of Not Being Able to Survive
Jay_NOLA
Posts: 1,145
I’m extremely depressed and have been considering suicide for the last few days. My mood switches back and forth to normal and clam to crying and emotional out bursts rapidly. My father just died last Thursday on the 27th of Sept and that I the main cause of this.
I’ll go on about what happed to him. This is long so please bear with me.
2 days before he died he fell out of his bed and cut up his arm. I was out and came in and saw him sitting up with blood dripping from his arm. We argued and I made him bandage it. I tried to call the rep from his health insurance that would check on him periodically and left a message for him to call me. I never got a call back that day.
The next day I left the house to use the internet connection at the library and came home and saw his arm bleeding again. He had pulled the bandage off. He yelled and argued with me and I made him let me bandage it again. I grabbed the card for the rep from his health insurance that would check on him periodically and left a message again saying for him to a call me.
Thursday morning I got up and was planning on going out for 2 hours to go do some shopping. I checked on my dad before I finished getting dressed and told him I had made lunch for him. He got up went to the bath room and washed his face and then lots of blood started to run from around his nose. He thought he cut himself shaving and I wanted to bandage it. He cussed me out and yelled and screamed at me and said he was fine. I was yelling back at him as he just wanted to go lay in the bed and he had some blood that had dripped on his leg that needed to be cleaned off. He was holding a tissue to his nose and he said the bleeding was stopping. I waited a bit and he had me shaking and very upset with his yelling. (He was a very augmentative and verbally abusive individual to me, but he wasn’t like that with other people. And, he could be very sweet and nice to me but we usually argued and yelled often.)
I ended up just leaving the house because of how upset he had gotten me and went and ran the errand I was planning to. I was at the Starbucks and had just sat down and he calls me up and tells me he needs me to take him to the ER. He says his nose had stopped bleeding and he went and ate the lunch I left for him and it started to bleed again. I told him to give me 15-20 minutes. I gulped down my tea and left the coffee shop about 6-9 minutes after he had called. Walked to the car and got home about 10-15 minutes later.
He was yelling at me and he wanted me to use my car and I said we had to use his because he had a half a tank of gas and I needed to get gas as I was at a quarter or less than an quarter of a tank.
We get in his car and I drive him to the hospital. He yells and screams at me and makes me take him to another hospital that I wasn’t familiar with driving to and drop him off. (I'm leaving a good bit out of this as I feel very drained and have been going back and editing this isn a text file for the past few days.) I was feeling very sick and tired at this point. (I am diabetic and I had last eaten at 7:00 AM that morning and it was after 2:00 PM at this point. I also have a fractured toe right now and wanted to take a pain pill for it as the pain was very bad, and additionally I have fibromyalgia which has been getting worse over the past few months so I was just feeling tired, drained, sore, and sick. I wanted to go into the ER but I couldn't find a parking place anywhere near it because of construction and would have had to walk about 15 blocks from the nears places I could find to park and I didn't think I could walk that far on my foot. (The most I could walk was bout 2-3 block. before I started to have bad pain in it.)
I ended up getting lost tried to drive home because of streets being closed. When I finally got near home I stopped and got some stuff to do laundry and clean off the blood on his clothes and in his room.
I managed to reach the of his insurance company and was able to talk to him. He was going to send over a nurse in the morning to look at my father. I throe w his bloody sheets and in the laundry and try and clean the floor.
My father calls me up on the phone about 2 hours after I had dropped him off. I drive to pick him up. Blood is still running from his nose. I tell him to go back into the ER and he says he did and they said it was just a nose bleed and wouldn’t take him back in.
He is yelling and screaming at me and I’m a nervous wreck. I ended up driving to the drug store to get what the doctor told him to get for the bleeding and call his health insurance rep I was talking to earlier.
I drive my father home and he collapses and falls right outside of his bed room. I ask him if he is ok and he start to yell at me and say he tripped and that I need to move a table.
He eventually gets up and goes into the bath room and he starts making all sorts of weird grunts, noises, and groans when inside. I ask if he is ok and he says yes. He says he wants to go rest. I put an old but clean spare sheet on his bed and let him rest.
I go in the living room unpack my laptop from the case, get my shoes off, and sit down for a bit. I wend up taking a pain pill for my foot.
I try and change the channel on the TV and the control is broke. I go into his room and ask for the cable bill as I need to call about it.
I put the bill on the of in the living room and go to heat some food I bought earlier and right before the reheat ends I hear a crash from his room. I yell out and ask if he is ok and rush to his room.
He is on the floor and he says he fell just trying to get into his bed I have to move a chair and he is able to get up in it after a bit and sit down.
I keep telling him we need to go to the ER or I can call an ambulance he starts yelling at me and screaming and being very nasty. He says he feels weak and he starts to demand a non diet coke I keep in the refrig for if his sugars ever get too low. He argues with me and I make him check his blood sugar levels. His levels are at 160.
I keep asking if he is ok. He gets calmer and says he just wants to take one of the pain pills he was prescribed and go to sleep. He takes his pill and I stay in the room for 10 more minutes to make sure he is ok.
I go back and reheat my food again, eat, and go to put my plate in the sink and hear another crash from his room.
I get to his room and he says he fell trying to get in his bed. I get him back in a chair and I keep saying come on I need to get you back to the hospital or I can call an ER. He gets in the chair keeps yelling he is fine and ends up falling out the chair again. I try and get him up and he gets in the chair again and I’m shaking and panicking. And he is yelling at me when I keep saying we need to go to hospital. He falls again out the chair. He struggles back up into chair He says he feels week and has always been like this. I tell him no. He looks pale and his eyes are glassy.
He falls again and doesn’t respond and is barreling breathing. I go look for my cell phone and call 911. The emergency services arrive and they can’t get a pulse and he isn’t breathing. The eventually get a pulse and lose it Get a pulse lose it get it lose it this goes on and the get ready to transporting him out when they finally get a faint pulse to the hospital they say he is going to go to.
I had called a relative and tell them what is going on and I say I am no condition to drive
The EMT dispatcher calls me and tells me they are taking him instead to LSU University Hospital instead of Tulane and that was the same hospital he was at earlier.
I drive to the hospital and get to it 40 minutes latter and am told he is dead. The relatives I called didn't want to come to the hospital at first and the nurse had to talk to them. on my phone.)
hey drive my car back and me home and I start crying all night and I don't sleep.
I 've been feeling sick, sad,clam,angry, and suicidal since. My mood jumps around.
I won't be able to take care of my self or pay all the house bills. In 2-3 months I'll be broke it looks like if I pay off all the bills he had and keep trying to live normally. Income wise I don't have enough long term I think to cover things like gas, taxes,and insurance on the house and car. I can buy just groceries and utilities and that it looks like.
Before I run out of money I have determined to get a gun and end my life if things get too bad.
Everyone is saying be tough and such and all the relatives are driving me nuts. I feel like I can't trust anyone.
One of the medicines my father was on was Xarelto and I was worried about him being on it.
I blame my self for things and feel like I could have done more.
I called an attorney and they said he most likely died from it and the hospital may be liable. However any money if a case exists won't show up till years latter.
The funeral is tomorrow and I'm a wreck. I used up most of my saving for his funeral.
I left out a lot but I just need to try and say as much as I could.
I don't know what is going to happen next or what to do I can't think straight.
My fibromyalge is acting up worse and I had cut down on posting and such over the past few months because of it.
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Comments
I feel for you - you did all you could .
You don't have to pay any of your father bills - they are his not yours .
So forget about paying them .
Hugs
Jay, the first thing I am going to say, is go out and find help NOW. Your doctor, or find a councelling phone line or group. Please. I don't know what services may be available around your area as I dont' know where you live, but there must be at least a councelling phone line, a suicide hotline, a depression hotline, or something like that. Please please find something like that and talk to them. Ring them and talk to them. You MUST find some help now. You are in a bad state right now, and you are clearly crying out for help - these services are put in place to help anyone like you, who is feeling like you are now. You cannot deal with what you are going through on your own. Reading what happened to your father and how he treated you and what you went through sent a shiver down my back, because your father sounds EXACTLY like my grandfather and is very very similar to what my mother has recently gone through her herself with him. My grandfather has turned into a bitter, nasty horrible old man, who treated my mother exactly the same - she and my dad recently drove from one end of our country to the other to see him, as he had had another fall at his home and they were going down to visit him and talk to the home nurses and his doctors to find out what could be done. He is 93 years old, and unfortunately his body is failing and he really is no longer capable of living on his own, due to his many many falls. Within 3 weeks, my mother had packed up the car and they drove away, due to his behaviour and his abuse of her and my dad. She finally cut her ties basically with him, as she could no longer handle his verbal abuse.
The depression you are experiencing could somewhat be described as "normal" after what you have gone through. Please please please find some help to deal with what you are going through. Pick up the phone and call a hotline for depression or suicide and TALK to the councilors there - or speak to your doctor about it. They will know various services that can help you. You cannot handle this alone and you MUST ask for help!
You did the best you could. You're in shock, anybody would be.
Little by little you will feel better even if right now you can't imagine it.
Please take care of yourself.
The first thing to remember is that depression is a serious condition caused by a chemical imbalance in your brain. Whatever you do, make sure you get help first. You are not thinking clearly and won't be unless you get your depression under control. No matter how bad things appear to be, there is always another solution besides contemplating doing harm to yourself. Please seek help immediately. Things will improve in time, don't do anything rash.
If you are contemplating doing harm to yourself, you need to call the national suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255 and speak to someone immediately. Don't let this event in your life spiral out of control.
Jay -
First, what Jaki said. There are support services out there, but you have to take the initial step of contacting them.
Second - and I don't know if this will help, it's a mind-set thing - but it got me through a bad patch 40+ years ago, when it all went to crap. I tried counseling, but back then the fee was adjusted based solely on income, with no allowance for expenses and they wanted a weekly fee that matched my monthly rent. So I went one time only. And I thought about ending it. And then I decided I wasn't going to let the b*st**ds win; I was going to hang around and force the world to put up with me.
Apparently that worked . . . in my case.
I am so very sorry for everything you have gone through and for your loss :( I know times like these are tough between grieving, health issues, finances, etc and it seems like everything is so overwhelming and just piling up on your shoulders.
My best advice: Be good to yourself. Don't blame yourself for what happened. Seems to me you tried a lot to get him help and obviously you loved and cared about him very much even if you didn't always see eye to eye. I am sure he loved you very much as well just some people don't always express that well and from experience older men can be stubborn when they want to be (I know my step dad is stubborn as stubborn can be.LOL) But you did what was in your ability to do and from the sounds of it I am guessing helped care for him for a long while even before this. I am sure he loved and appreciated you for it even if he never said it. You sound to me like a very lovely soul/person though so try not to beat yourself up. Sometimes things just happen and there isn't a thing you can do to stop it. You called the nurse/insurance, you took him to emergency, you checked on him consistently and showed him care and love. Not sure you or anyone else could have done any more than that :)
As for all the worries and stress, try as best you can to just take one thing at a time (break things down and look at one issue at a time in order of importance). Try not to worry (as best you can) about what could happen or what may happen months from now (easier said than done though I know..I have trouble following my own advice LOL) but rather try and take things as they come. Definitely don't do anything to harm yourself though. :( It's not a solution, truly it isn't. Your father I am sure would not want that nor would anyone else who knows you. <3 Keep talking and keep working through your grief. It will get better. <3</p>
I know it can be scary when things drastically change all at once and finances seem dire etc but there is help out there in various forms to help with living expenses and sometimes when you are overwhelmed things can seem insurmountable but just keep working through one problem at a time and do what you can as you can.
As for his bills from the hospital etc, medical can wait and they were his bills as Bigh mentioned so worry about what you need to handle (your bills etc) and don't worry about all the other stuff right now.
BIG BIG BIG HUGS! Hang in there <3</p>
You have got to get another voice in your life.
Depression is a vicious bully. It has you isolated and it's lying to you about how weak you are, how you let your father down, and how hopeless everything is.
That's what they are: Lies. You need somebody walking along side you. A pastor, a friend, a social worker. IF you were a primary or principal caregiver for your dad, there's a good chance that your own social life has been somewhat constricted. Depression will use that, too, to lie to you about how unworthy and alone you are.
The big bundle of knots in your life will resolve down into smaller knots, not all of them as big as they look, not all of them connected the way they look now. Knots you can work on untying one at a time. But you need somebody else with you to throw some light on the situation and to listen.
Send up a flare until somebody answers. This will make more sense to you six months from now, but you have to get there from here one step at a time.
Don't let the bully win.
PS I agree with what Jaki said as well...and you took a very brave first step just sharing how you are feeling which should be commended :)
There was a time I was not brave enough to do as you have done by talking about what you are going through and am only here replying because loved ones found out and I was hospitalized in time to help me.
Love yourself, and be kind to yourself. You are a lovely person and the world would be less without you...remember that :)
Good advice here that I can't add to, but Jay my first thought reading your post is how admirable you are for sticking out such an awful, difficult situation. I wish you could see it right now, but the world needs more people like you. Take care.
Some information you may find useful (looked up the hospital to see around where you were):
Help Hotline for Louisiana
Crisis Intervention
Help Hotline
They may also be able to (usually) provide you with information on other city/state wide services to help with the financial issues as well :)
A couple more links :) (Not sure exactly what is needed but maybe these can get you pointed in the right direction :)
Utility Bills Help
Housing Programs etc
Things often do not go well between us and our loved ones in their final days
this is fairly normal
I myself have a lifetime of good memories of my mother and two months of final hell in which she hated me as she was no longer herself her brain being eaten away by CJD.
The drugs, bleeding and pain all contributed to your father's mood and did not mean he did not really love you and you did all you could.
In time I can assure you the bad memories will fade and you will remember and treasure the good ones and want to honour his memory in the things you do.
It is the first steps that are hard and please seek help, do not do anything rash.
Dear Jay,
Hang in there. This is the card dealt to you by the Lord and it is up to you to make it work for you. Giving up now on everything is not the answer.
Your situation might be bleak right now, but remember things are always ugly before they get better.
There are support services out there as one member mentions. Reach out to your family and friends. You need to be around people right now. Do not grieve and or suffer on your own. Talking to people might help you in that they might have suggestions or ideas that you never thought of.
When my son was born, he was diagnosed with an unexplainable condition. I was 22...was very scared about taking care of the little guy day in and day out looking at having to administer 3 kinds of medication in the mornings, afternoon and night time. I did not excactly have my family's support. I did not know what to do. Do I keep the kid or give him up for adoption? Finally after praying really hard, it dawned on me that it was the card dealt to me and it was up to me to make it work for me or not. It was up to me to accept his condition and help him live as normally as possible or end up resenting him for something not his entirely his fault. Well, 20 years later, he is in his 2nd year of college, doing a double major in computer science and communications. As for his medication, he is now in charge of taking them himself everyday. Had I known back then it would turn out soooo well, I would not have worried so much then. I can't imagine living without him and I know I will be quite sad the day he leaves home to start living his own life.
Please take care of yourself. Ending your life is never the answer. You might be destined to do more, meet someone, help out someone, etc. Take it day by day. Give yourself 1 year to see through all this. If in one year's time you still feel the same, then see a professional, you owe it to yourself.
Guy
I've been where you are (2 years ago). When I became depressed and suicidal it scared the sh*t out of me, so I went to the nearest emergency room by myself and they checked me into a mental health facility. I stayed there for two weeks and received counseling and meds. Today I feel just fine.
Hang in there.
Jay, first I want to give you condolence on the loss of your father. The loss of a parent can catch us out in unexpected and unanticipated ways. Everything from dealing with our own mortality and future to the guilt over everything we shoulda/woulda/coulda done.
I very much empathize with you. My mother passed away last January and while I should have been primed and expecting it I was not. Since then I have not gone a single day without crying. Some days the sorrow, grief and guilt seem like they will over whelm me still so I do have a bit of an idea how you feel.
When my mother died she had come home from the hospital just two days prior. I thought we had dodged yet another bullet and that we would have at least a couple of weeks of her healthy. As part of my guilt I have wondered if they sent her home to die and I didn't realize it and prevent it. I've worried that they forgot to give her a prescription that I should have known she needed. I've worried that I should have heard her fall that last time. I heard her plenty of other times when she fell. Oddly enough before the last big trip to the hospital she had seemed better to me much of the time. She had become more active and so I thought that she must be getting a bit better. When she was suddenly gone I was stunned and adrift.
Caring for an aging parent is perhaps the hardest thing many of us will ever have to deal with. Especially when your doing that caring in a home environment. You end up with all this responsibility (real and imagined) for another person but since they are an adult you can't simply compel them to "behave". You have this line you have to tread where you do as much as you can but without taking away what power and control they are still able to maintain for themselves. At the same time you still have to try and make at least some parts of your life go on. No matter how much time you give to care for that parent you still have to be able to give yourself some care or you won't be able to live yourself.
Not long before my mother passed away she was feeling badly and I spoke to one of her nurses on the phone (she had a nurse that visited once a week and another that came every so often) and told her how my mom was doing and that I was worried. She said to take her to the ER. We were at the hospital pretty regularly so I knew we would be there for hours and I was guessing based on how she seemed that we would be staying at least a day or two so I went round to the grocery next door for a juice and some air. 20 minutes later when I got back they were ready to go. She had been seen and released and the doctor (who had almost missed something once before) said nothing was really wrong with her. 12 hours later she was rushed to the ER again via an ambulance because her heart was hardly beating. In other words really not beat yourself up because you needed a few minutes for yourself here or there.
I also understand being financially overwhelmed by a death. My mother had always been the bigger bread winner in the family so everything was scaled for her retirement income. Including a huge mortgage on the house that my fathers retirement doesn't fully cover much less all the other bills. My income is the last few years has been pretty hit an miss. Even though as a PA I was able to work at my own pace and wasn't penalized for the times that I had to be at the hospital over the last few years (no regular job would have ever kept me on as much as I would have been absent to deal with mothers care) the income does not yet make up the difference. We are very lucky that we have some land we have been able to sell so we are not going to lose our home and unless something else crops up we will be alright. But I absolutely understand the financial worries and fears your experiencing. Had we not had the land we would have been done in. I don't think selling everything we own (much to my dismay as we have furniture left from my great grandparents and so forth) would have saved us if not for the land. Even so I'm still cutting spending to the bone where I can and expecting to do it for quite some time to come.
While I am depressed yet about the loss of my mother and all that has come hand in hand I never considered self harm over the situation. Possibly because I have to maintain for my father and son and should I lose hope more than my life would crumble. I also know that my mother never fully recovered from the loss of her Mother and I saw the negative impact that had on myself and everyone else she knew. I refuse to be that person so I'm working on shaking some of this off.
It seems to me that your not able to see the light at the end of the tunnel yet. I promise it has to be there though. It really always is. While I am not in the pit over this I have been in the pit before so I understand how it feels. First I would ask you to call the suicide prevention hotline NOW. Not later. You need human contact with someone who can listen and empathize and offer you help. I want to remind you that your not alone and that others do understand how awful things are for you right now. How over whelmed on all fronts you feel. Let go of what your family is saying/thinking/feeling. That is about them and you need to look after yourself not them. They were not there. They didn't see it or hear it or feel it like you did and I doubt they can understand unless they experienced something like it themselves.
If you need anything let me know. PM me. If you need to talk on the phone I'll call.
Our lives have many paths. Those paths branch and fork at every choice we make and each path we take there is no going back, as tempting as it is to look back and say "I should have done this" or "I should have done that", it is usually only in hindsight that we see another path even existed.
Rarely do we see that we did the best we could with what we had at hand, be that resources, knowledge of the situation, or strength- either physical or emotional... in hindsight we often grant ourselves powers and resources that never existed, and in doing so blame ourselves for not being able to change things we wish we could have, though in reality were beyond our control.
Maybe things could have been different, yet in many ways they probably could have been worse.
Hindsight often mocks our best intentions by showing us brighter paths, allowing us to think there may have been better outcomes.
Rarely in moments of despair do we allow ourselves to say "I did the best I could".
A few years back a friend of mine lived with her mom, the mother had an illness where she would occasionally become lightheaded and almost pass out, it was part of a serious condition, which they were managing, but was gradually worsening.
There were dozens of times, if not hundreds where the mom would just manage to take her medicine in time to avoid catastrophe.
Then one day my friend went down in the basement to do laundry and after a few minutes called up to her mom to ask if there were any more things in the clothes hamper... she did not respond, and because when she went down her mom was just going into the bathroom, she figured she couldn't hear her, so she finished sorting a few things and then went back up.
When she got upstairs she found her mother on the floor, she tried CPR, called 911 and tried everything she could, but by the time the EMTs arrived, delayed by a narrow cross street blocked by traffic, my friend's mom had already passed away.
For months she blamed herself, why didn't she go upstairs, what if there was a different medicine she could have tried, why didn't she ask her neighbor to drive them to the hospital... why, what if, I should have...
Then a few months later she talked to another old friend who's father had the exact same condition... healthwise, the mother and the friend's father were almost identical.
What was different was that one day while going to a local deli the father collapsed in the street, right down the block from a fire station.
The EMTs there were able to get the father to the hospital, but although his life was saved he spent the last year of his in pain and agony, a shell of the man he once was, his mind was gone and he was no longer himself.
For one rare instance, hindsight's revelations were shown to be the pointless musings they mostly are... for once the the darker pathway was revealed and my friend saw the possibilities she had not ever thought could be.
She saw her own mother in that same situation, how it would have tortured her mom and destroyed her.
She always knew how strong her mother was, but that she never would have wanted to go that way, and how mad her mom would have been for her to be blaming herself for something that was beyond her control.
She decided to accept the card that fate had dealt, now realizing how much worse it could have been.
An indian pundit once remarked to me how much like a river life is... we travel down it in the boat that is our life, we see so many things that pass us by, some good, some bad... we try to steer the boat the way we wish... sometimes we can make it and others times we can not... many times we are mad that we are not in control, scared of what will be... but life takes us where it will and we must make the best of that, find joy where we can and accept what we can not change.
No matter how dark the path before you, never lose hope... no one who knows you, loves you or has ever cared for you would want that.
Despair is a strong adversary, one that will rob you of all reason and hope if you let it... but it is not all powerful.
No matter how horrible, no matter how dark the world around you gets... things will improve... you have to find the strength within you and carry on.
Without getting into it, I can tell you... I've lived through hell, and despite all the pain and sorrow, doubt and despair… dragging yourself thorough, fighting it out… it is worth it, even if only to have the last laugh…
We can let a suffocating cloak be drawn about us, blinding us from the world, or we struggle to cast it off, to see the light, feel joy and take in the beauty there is in this world.
All is not lost unless you choose to let it be, if you choose to leave the boat before your journey is over, you will never see all the good there is to be beheld.
Yes, there is uncertainty, nothing is a guaranteed, but it is never hopeless unless you give in to despair.
I just came back from a funeral today for my wife's aunt and all these things I say to you now, I can see proven true in the life she lived.
Never give up, never give in to despair… find joy, no matter how small and weak it's roots… nurture it and it's fruit will carry you through.
Sorry to go on, I do not think I have any answers to life nor wisdom to share, but having read what you say you feel like doing, I felt the need to say something… That of which you spoke of, is a reaction to fear and despair… a path no one wants you to take.
Please be well, seek counselling if you must, but please don't give up.
-Vic Cook
My condolences, you did what you could and hang in there. I can relate to many of the statements in your post and it does get better. But it can be hard for sure. My mom passed away the day after Christmas this past year and my dad passed away a couple of years ago. It can be more than we can bear but we do, and it gets better. Best wishes and get some help, as people mentioned, there is something around to help. We all need some help sometimes.
My condolences to you and your family. My only advice is to get help. Grieving, especially when there's regret and doubt mixed in, is not easy, and even worse alone.
I'm sorry for your loss. My father died of a massive heart attack back in July. I had to run and catch him before his body slumped out of his wheelchair. He died in my arms as I held him waiting for the ambulance to arrive.
Call the suicide help line or go to a hospital like the others said, just talk to someone. Our troubles can seem insurmountable when viewed from a low point but there are people who can help.
When considering wether to end Your life, You might want to think about this:
In the whole history of the universe there is no chance whatsoever that You, exactly You will ever exist again. You are a unique creation of evolution that will not happen again in the 60 Billion years to come. And being unique makes Your life - any living beings life - very precious.
The time alotted to You is very short. Even the life of a 90 year old man is very short. Ask any old people and they will tell You that looking backwards feels like a dream. So Your time on this earth will come to an end in a very short time.
There are many people that would give anything to live for even another hour or two but whose time has come, children, sick people and so forth. When there are so many living beings that would give everything for life, throwing away a probably good amount of years just because a shadow has fallen upon the soul is a great waste.
So I would advice to recognize the fact of the preciousness of life and trot on, even if for a time every step hurts and it feels You can´t move a single step on.
Like Winston Churchill said: "If You are going through hell: move on"
The wisdom behind that being that there must be light at the end of the tunnel and everything changes. So the deep dark valley WILL end and better days will come. You will see Your loved ones soon enough again for Your own time is short, even if You get to 90.
The past is like a dream and the future is not a problem at all.
I wish You all the best.
jay i dont know if what i say will even matter but i will still say it
when i was about 9 my parents split and we came home from school to find my father with both wrists cut in the bath tub and blood everywhere
when he recovered he was a changed man and never was the same
viet nam messed him up but the divorce destroyed him
we visited when we could but when i was 20 i went back up home to tell him that i had enlisted
that was the only time i had ever seen him leave a room without his water and cigarettes
im now 40 and he died while i was in iraq
almost a year later i lost my wife
ive to hell and back
but from what you are describing he decided to go out with his boots on and with one hell of a fight
id fight as well if they sent me to tulane over lsu
maybe its the shrink in me but he wanted to be strong to keep you from knowing
he fought while he could and he did it on his terms
be proud of him
and be proud of yourself you tried more than most would have
and if i may say that had to be one tough old bird to keep that fight up
Someone once said something to me that changed my life... "you are stronger than you think you are"
But please do get help..
my father died a few years back and was very sick for a long time so I had to deal with a tremendous amount of guilt and uncertainty when he left, and I struggled with it, I sometimes still do but nearly to the degree I did. You need time to grieve and to heal, and the time it requires is going to be different for all of us. We all do when these things happen, what your feeling is awful beyond belief but you are far from alone in what your feeling.
Despite what I felt then I can tell you now I've made peace with so much of his life that I was unable to do when he was alive, but it took a while.
Jay, my condolences to you. However difficult a father or mother may have been - we still love him/her, and feel guilty very easily when we lose them or something bad happens to them. I don't think that you are guilty in any way - on the contrary, you did much more for your Dad than many children do for their parents.
Your suffering, your grief is not senseless. It is necessary. It may sound paradox, but I experienced it myself: Feeling those pains is the only way to get rid of them.
I am repeating what others said before: Get help soon. Please. I have a certain feeling that the 'black hole' you are in now could be the entrance to a better life. Here on earth, and not somewhere up in heaven…
Sincere regards for your pain. And your loss.
The most important thing now is to take care of you. You are blameless and did all you could. You might not feel that way just now, but you will see that in the near future.
Part of what you are dealing with now is, of all things, guilt..... your father was abusive, but you were not put in this world to be a martyr, and you had feelings of anger at the way you were treated.... this is very normal for you or anyone in that kind of situation. I have gone through it myself.
In situations like that, a family member often is abusive toward someone very close, simply because they feel safe with you, and can express their fear and the anger from that fear, toward someone they know will not abandon them, someone they know they can trust. I have seen this in my own family very clearly. So it is ok to feel anger at how you were treated by your dad, and you don't need to feel guilty at yourself for your own anger toward him... it is very normal. l
You need immediate help through a doctor, and if really essential enter a psychiatric ward or hospital.... it is not a trivial thing to want to die or kill yourself, and that has to be prevented by you being in a safe place. Don't be shy about telling the doc what you feel and how you want to end your life. The doc needs to know all this to be able to help you.
You need a safe place now.
Your own grief now is also very hard to deal with, and again that is very normal.
There are excellent anti-depressants that are a great help now.
Grief, anger, guilt... are all very normal at a time like this. The danger is when we do not talk about or feel these emotions, and instead bottle them up inside... this can lead to these destructive feelings being turned inward towards ourself, sometimes leading to feelings of depression and suicide.
I know a tiny little bit about this kind of thing because I have gone through something very similar.
I am not a doctor, just a thoughtful friend from far away.
Please get the help you need right away... go to the hospital and doctor so you will be here with us in the days to come.
Sincerely,
Randy
Jay, I'm very sorry about your loss and about the trauma you experienced. That you were able to handle all that you did shows how strong you are. Please, though, if you are sitting there thinking of killing yourself call 911. Don't wait. You wanted to call an ambulance for your dad several times. Give the same care to yourself. You deserve it.
Molly
Jay, I'm so sorry to learn of the traumatic events leading up to your father's death. It is clear from your message that you are devastated by your loss. It is traumatic to lose one parents in any situation, and your situation seems especially difficult. No wonder things are looking black and hopeless now. I'm glad you have taken the first small step toward healing by reaching out to your friends here on the DAZ forum. I hope the compassion and moral support you receive here can help in some small way. As others have suggested, please consider looking beyond the forum, too, for more tangible support in your local area, from trusted friends, family, and/or professionals. We all need help sometimes. You have helped a lot of people on this forum with your helpful posts and the updates thread. Please come back and let us know how you are doing. People do care!
Depression is a liar and a cowardly bully. You can beat it! Don't give in and don't let it win!!! I've been there myself, and I can promise you that it will pass. It's lying to you when it says it won't.
Here's a great article:
http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2014/08/12/robin-williams-what-would-have-told-actor-about-depression/?intcmp=obnetwork
One quote: "Depression is the grand imposter -- posing as all powerful. It can be defeated, every time, if you or the person you care about confronts it like the grand imposter that it is."
And I'm going to repeat what others are saying: Your father's bills are not your responsibility. DO NOT PAY THEM!!!! His death is not your fault. His attitude and behavior toward you were not deserved. Try to really internalize that your dad was not in his right mind. I've had to deal with a person with dementia quite a bit and forgive them because they wouldn't choose to act that way if their brain was normal.
Take time to nurture yourself. Read a book. Watch a humorous movie or TV show. (Don't watch sad stuff!!!)
I say that as a person who has fibromyalgia, did hospice with my mom, and is currently primary caregiver for a dad with dementia. Baby steps. One step at a time.
Don't listen to the lies of depression. Take care of yourself! Get meds if needed. That's why they were invented. No one argues with taking insulin for diabetes. There's no difference in lacking a hormone in your blood or a hormone in your brain. They both can be controlled by meds when needed! And find someone, a wise friend or a counselor, to talk to!
Jay, I hope the wise and caring advice you've receive here has helped you to see some chinks of light in this dark time. Things won't always feel so hopeless, it will get better, and you'll know you were the one who was there with your father, doing what you could to help even when everything seemed to be against you.
In the meantime, others have made some good suggestions on professional help which can support you with the challenges you are facing. You sound as though you feel very alone, but if you can find the strength to reach out there will be people in your local area who are well qualified to guide you through the emotional, financial and legal issues. And of course your online friends care about you and we're all right here pretty much round the clock (thanks to all the different timezones) if you want to share or need some moral support.
As others have said, be kind to yourself and take things one small step at a time.
Jay, there is so much I want to say. Get help is first and foremost. I love you, as do so many others here.