Space Crimes - Death at the Door (short chapter with supporting images)
junk
Posts: 1,228
Hi Daz community that I love,
Today I introduce my first ever short novel/chapter (with supporting graphic images) created around the Space Crimes universe, which stars John Forrester and Madeline Price. This is of course is free to everyone as I need to get better and this is the "practice" portion on my way to trying to get it perfect. Yes there will be a ton of punctuation errors, run-ons, horrible paragraph structures, etc. but please remember the practice portion I just mentioned. :)
It's also my first attempt at writing a story start to finish BEFORE any images are ever created. At the moment of this release I have completed four of the fourteen, or so, images that will make up the graphic portion.
All images will be created in the visual style of black and white with an attempt to give that old time detective feel with modern, future technology. I should be able to upload a new image every three days.
I'd love to hear feedback and please be cruel. I'm beating myself up over this so much already and would probably feel better if every line started with "this sucks and here's why".
Space Crimes - Death at the Door
THE TRIP:
Back on Earth, it was early-winter somewhere in the Northern state of Minnesota when I told Madeline what we were doing there. A female that had “died” in my arms was the victim of Louise and his dog.
I held my fingers up in the air as I said the word “died” because she didn’t really. Oh don’t get me wrong, it was a very close call but in the end the hospital that she was rushed to saved her life even though I thought she had passed.
Knowing that she was trying to con me, I personally inquired around eventually finding her employer and what they were after.
“It’s you Madeline. You!” I said to her while we drove down the freeway. “Some assets that you own piqued the interest of yet another robotics company.” After being abducted by Symbiotic Industries it did make sense that other rival companies would show interest in something they believed she had within her possession.
“I just wish you would talk to me and just come out and say it, whatever it is, we’ll get through it together.” Pretty much repeating the argument we always have. Any digging I did on the side would just betray the trust we have between each other.
Things haven’t been peachy between us lately and I’m at least smart enough to know when to butt out. I just wish I could protect her from whatever it is.
“Lana! Why would I trust this Lana character!” demanded Madeline wagging her finger in the air back at me and crinkling her nose.
I didn’t respond immediately as this certainly caught me off guard. It may have been the first time that I witnessed any sign of jealousy from her. I’ve got to admit that it was so cute I began to crack a smile.
“My dear Madeline” hoping to calm her nerves “yes, she is a spy, or ex-spy I should say, but we’re doing a good thing here checking in on her like we are.
We have to warn her that Louise knows she was alive and somewhere in hiding.
There’s no technology where she’s laying low and in turn no way to get a message to her. I set her up in this place to protect her and I always keep my promises.
We just need to get in, deliver the message, hand her a few credits and then get out. That’s why we’re here.”
The road ahead sprawled on for miles and with all the back and forth it seemed endless. It was approximately 0700 hours, early morning, when we finally reached the cabin.
THE CABIN:
The mist had already set in with rain, or possibly even snow, right behind it. Right off the bat something felt wrong as another vehicle, a classic all black empty 4-door sedan with no vehicle identification or other markings on it, was already parked just a little further back from the cabin.
We stopped a short distance away in a dense portion of the woods to avoid any detection by our guests. We needed to move quickly as Lana’s very life could depend upon our haste.
The cabin lies pretty much isolated from the road, cut off by trees and low laying hills. It’s an “A” frame design with two floors where the kitchen, dining room, living room and some cabinets for storage occupy the bottom space. The top floor is simply a platform that you access via a wooden ladder and contains a bed and some miscellaneous furniture.
Knowing she was competent, and confident, handling a weapon these days I handed Madeline a firearm I had planned to surprise her with. "This is not how I wanted to give this to you" I said as I held out two ammo clips. "It's the thought, right?" she smiled and winked as she loaded her weapon.
She always could read me like a book and sensing my tension brought her playfulness out to lighten the mood. But she reverted back to the serious for a moment, placed her hand on my shoulder and said "Lana will be fine. We can do anything as long as we stick together".
There was a brief moment as if silently we both said a prayer before heading into God knows what.
After describing the layout of the cabin our plan was to stick together and move in as quietly as possible from the front side. We would have full on visibility of the insides knowing that there is a lot of glass on the cabins in these areas. Hiding Lana in plain site was the idea as no one would question it. Plus I personally scoped this property out knowing the glass windows were tinted with Xeflon which robots could not see through. The property also had some advantage points and places to stash weapons along the outskirts should something have gone sideways.
As quickly and quietly as possible we approached from the left side of the cabin remaining hidden in the thicker trees and bushes.
We immediately spotted two people approaching the front entrance with one of them starting to reach for the handle. I checked my gun one more time and was just about to rush out when Madeline grabbed my arm. She then pointed at two more of them standing approximately twenty yards from the entry to the cabin somewhat obscured by the fog and trees.
With four of them and two of us I was just beginning to panic for Madeline’s safety when we heard a loud gun shot cracking through the quiet of nature.
And, yeah, just like in the movies, birds started flapping instinctively for safety. The one reaching for the handle had been blown back onto the ground face towards the sky with a big hole in his hat.
The glass that was still crashing down, the guy on the ground and the sudden movement of the three remaining guys isn’t what took me by surprise.
No.. it was the arcs of blue electrical sparks dancing around the face of the guy on the ground that had Madeline and me looking at one another wide eyed. “Robots!” she whisper shouted. They aren’t here to retrieve or ask Lana questions, this is a hit crew here to remove her from the equation.
With the element of surprise on our side we followed our unrehearsed plan and sprang out of hiding. Madeline and I both began unloading our guns on the two robots furthest away from the cabin.
Thank God one of them folded over and crumpled to the ground with the same blue sparks dancing around its torso.
That leaves two left shouted Madeline! The other quickly continued to the cabin determining that we were inconsequential in this scenario.
Doing some quick math I shouted “if there’s the one out here with us, then the second one is already inside with Lana; we gotta move!”. Taking action I sprang over the hedges in pursuit of our outside attacker.
With all of the chaos it wasn’t until I was ten feet away and pressing the trigger of my firearm that I realized I hadn’t reloaded. The robot, hearing the click, froze in place for a second as if retrieving new programming. It quickly turned around while raising its gun forcing me to lunge at it.
A solid five seconds of wrestling for the gun took place before it knocked me to the ground with a forceful left arm punch to the chest. It was obvious that these robots had their strength dampener removed as I think it may have broken one of my ribs.
Before I knew it, it was on top of me about to strike again. It did a right fist punch straight to where my head was a split second ago entering into the ground by about two inches.
Pushing through the pain in my chest along with the weight of it on me, I grabbed its head and tried with all of the might I had left to break it. It’s blue glowing eyes just stayed fixed on mine and barely moved an inch no matter how hard I tried to twist it off.
With heightened speed it grabbed my left arm with its right. Searing pain began to overtake me as it applied a crushing grip in an attempt to get me to let go.
Soon its right hand grabbed onto the other arm and applied the same pressure. It was too much pain and before I knew it I was groaning in such intense agony. It was just moments before I had passed out when I heard something that sounded like a metal pipe striking a rock. The blue intense eyes affixed on mine suddenly went dark as the robots limbs fell limp. I fell back to the ground with the weight of the robot crashing on top of me.
With such exhaustion and reprieve from the pain I just needed a moment to rest.
Closing my eyes, the cold damp ground felt like a soft pillow and soon it all started to fade to black.
And just as if someone had placed a defibrillator directly to my face and pressed the button without first yelling “clear!” a thunderous SLAP forced my head toward my right shoulder.
The words “GET UP!” followed the stinging on my left cheek and the ringing in my ears as my eyes sprung open and affixed upon Madeline bending over with the most intense look in her eyes.
We’re not dying here today and not in the middle of this God forsaken forest trying to save someone I’ve never met. So “GET UP!” As she raised her hand again to deliver a second wake up message another shot rang out from somewhere within the cabin.
We both stopped in our tracks me with my arm in the air and her with a crazed look in her eyes.
We both said it at the same time...
“Lana!”
In seconds Madeline was reloading her firearm and I was taking the Tommy gun that the robot had left on the ground. “Shake the pain off” I said to myself as if to take control over it.
I jumped up to the front glass door, flung it open and we rushed in as quietly as possible.
There was no sign of Lana or the robot and that’s when Madeline following close behind tapped my shoulder and pointed to the ladder to the right that led upward towards the bedroom.
I immediately started up the stairs and slowed down right before I had an eye on what lay ahead. It was worse than I feared.
While Lana was thankfully alive she was being held by one arm of the robot with the other pointing a gun directly at the back of her head.
The robot spoke with a chilling voice almost like one you would hear from those “please hold” messages when you call a busy line. “Don’t come any closer John. We don’t want her dead... we don’t want to harm you... we just want to leave with her alive”.
Slowing my pace I cautiously continued to the top of the second floor. “John, pleeeaaseee...” said Lana with a quivering frightened voice.
The robot jerked at Lana’s arm to stop her from continuing what she was saying.
Sizing up the situation I couldn’t see any move that wouldn’t end up with Lana dead or taken away. We were powerless as the robot had the upper hand and it knew it.
It was then that I realized that Madeline didn’t follow me up the stairs. Where could she have gone I thought briefly just before the robot interrupted my thoughts. “slowly.. place your gun on the ground and then kick it towards me.” commanded the robot. “Who do you work for and what do you want with Lana? How do you know who I am?” I demanded, trying to buy time while I think up a plan. “John, you are of no use to us, we only want Lana” responded the robot as I slowly placed the gun on the ground. “Now... Kick it over to me, We promise you will not be harmed”. I took my time but eventually kicked my weapon half way between myself and them. Lana and the robot looked down at the Tommy gun and it was then when I noticed that Madeline had somehow climbed up another ladder behind the robot and was slowly approaching it one gentle step at a time. Things just turned from bad to worse as now there are two people in my care that are in immediate danger. I always knew that I would be done in by a dame one way or another just didn’t realize when I was putting my pants on this morning that today would be that day.
I now needed to distract the robot as if it hears Madeline Lana would certainly be harmed or maybe something worse. I just went with the first thing that came to mind.... “DAMES!!” I blurted out. “You stick your neck out for them, try to do the right thing, and where does it get you?” continuing on with the spirit that had overtaken me I also shouted out “it’s like my father use to say, do right by your conscience and you’ll always do right by everyone else.”. By this time Madeline was about five feet away from the robot and I had no idea what her plan was. I just knew that whatever happens next I need to be ready for it and with that I started taking small steps forward trying to close the gap. The thing with old wooden cabins is that... well.. they’re old and their floorboards creek like no ones business. With that said, just as Lana’s fear was making her squirm and my yammering was echoing all over the upper deck a big, loud, * CRREEAAK * emanated from behind the robot. We all froze. Me with the horror of what would happen next, Madeline in knowing that she just gave away her secret advance and the robot reanalyzing it’s calculations for a successful outcome.
I was just about to take off running towards the robot but one fact had not changed, the gun was still aimed squarely on the back of Lana’s head. “Hello Madeline” spoke the robot eerily while never turning its head to look behind him. “You are close enough to..”, never finishing the sentence the robot pushed Lana tripping forward towards the ground while quickly turning around grabbing Madeline’s gun and then her by the shoulders.
My instincts allowed me to catch Lana before falling to the ground with no time for any other action. “How easily it was to play you John” the robot said with such a demeaning tone while situating itself behind Madeline and now pointing a gun at the back of her head.
“Lana was never the intended target, it was the one you call Madeline”.
A wave of blood rushed to my head as I realized what a fool I was leading them straight to her. I basically handed Madeline over without a moments thought for her safety.
Madeline looked paralyzed, almost on the verge of fainting and any color that lay in her already pale complexion was nearly washed away. The look in her eyes reflected the horror that was consuming her from within as they darted from me to the robot, to Lana and back to me. My heart was bursting knowing what she had gone through just months ago and the damage it had done to her, to both of us.
It was shocking then when out of nowhere I saw Madeline’s face change from tears of panic to that of a blank face devoid of feelings. Not only that, for four or five seconds her entire demeanor changed as she turned her eyes away from me and toward her captor.
Then, as if the “pause” button was unpressed she resumed tearing up, her squirming about and spoke with fear in her voice again as she said... “yes. yes I will”.
To make things even more bizarre the next action caught all of us off guard as she, like a trained assassin, quickly darted to her left, grabbed the gun in the robots hand reversing it into it’s face as she backed away towards me.
I should have been proud but, honestly, my jaw dropped downward as I stared in amazement of what just happened.
Clearing my throat I said “Madeline.. dear.. hand me the gun please” just not as confidently as it may sound.
“Shoot it!” shouted Lana over my shoulder. “It wont stop until it has you and we’re all dead”.
It was then that the robot, seemingly receiving new programming, started to sprint towards Madeline.
* BLAM! *
The gun went off as the robot recoiled back. The smell of gun powder in the air and the ringing in our ears.
Blue light emanated from the robots coat pocket just over the heart area. But it wasn’t done. After a second pause the robot started to rush it’s way towards Madeline again just not as quickly this time.
"MADELINE.. NO!" I shouted knowing we needed to interogate it, try to find out why they keep pursuing her. Manuevering around to her side I reached for the gun and was just about to...
* BLAM! *
Another shot was fired off. This one landing in the same area just on the opposite side of the torso.
This time the robot fell to its knees still facing us. “We wont stop. We wont ppszzzhhh” it said as the light in it’s eyes slowly died out and the rest of the torso fell to the ground with a loud thump noise.
Madeline fainted dropping the gun hard on the floor. Acting quickly I was able to grab her mid-air and gently bring her down to rest as I cradled her head.
Giving her a moment to rest I looked over to the robot one more time.
“I just knew you would save me John” said Lana who had made her way to my side.
“A girl gets to thinking of the type of man who would risk their life for them. It’s something I have felt since we met and it’s getting stronger John. Do you feel it too?” said Lana with a quivering in her voice.
But before I could answer her, she had pulled me in by the both sides of the face and started to kiss me. I could feel the warmth of her skin the slight trembling of her hands and the heat from her deep rapid breathing all at the same time.
I didn’t push her away...
Why didn’t I push her away?
I didn’t push her away... Why didn’t I push her away?
Was it the rush of the emotions running around from facing death? Was it the fear of almost losing both of them?
All the buzzing noises in my head started to overtake my thoughts except for one. The indisputable truth was that I love Madeline. “I love her” I unknowingly said out loud.
It felt stronger now more than ever as I stood and pulled in enough restraint to step back from Lana.
The first step, she moved forward with me still exploring with her hands. The second, we separated as she searched into my eyes wondering what just happened.
“Lana, I can’t... I just can’t” I said as I grabbed both of her hands that were reaching for me. "This can't be"...
It was perfect timing as Madeline’s voice, weak and quiet, broke the awkward moment “John * cough *, John are you okay? Is Lana okay too? * cough, cough *”
I turned back to her, knelt down and held her hand. “Yes my love, it’s all over now. You did good my girl, Let me take you home where we’ll be safe”. Thank God she hadn’t seen the kiss and outpouring of Lana’s feelings as things are already rocky between us.
It was just before 1100 hours when we left each other. Lana leaving on her motorcycle she kept hidden in the brush with Madeline and I left in the vehicle we came here in. Before parting I gave Lana a few thousand credits, enough to get away to any part of the world she wanted and start a new life. We all knew that her proximity to us was dangerous to her life. I only regret that Lana and I couldn’t have had more time to make sure whatever she was feeling was dead and buried, like the robots that tried to kill us today.
Thomas Slofkosky (aka “junk”)
If you read the whole thing... wow. Thank you.
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Comments
"this sucks and here's why" (LOL) This is a graphic novel, but there is a wall of words (which I haven't read) and only one (fabulous) picture. I love your work in your gallery. I want to see lots more here. I'll be back to look for more later. Maybe some more images will entice me to read the many paragraphs to see what it is all about.
(OK, you said be cruel. I tried.)
You did well barbult! Exactly what I was looking for because it softens the blow oddly enough of any negative criticism. Yes you are correct that more images will be showing up, approximately 14 in total.
I think a bunch-o-things.
1) I find the switch between perspectives confusing or awkward. It's like the story is happening in real time and it's being described- at the same time. The main person is narrating, narrator and living it- all at once. How can they say - the punch landed where my head was...in a comic or movie- it would be to suggest that the viewer thought the punch landed and then the camera pans and you see the punch missed. In written form, it's weird to me. Instead of the regular, "I moved my head just in time as the fist left a 2-inch impression in the ground.."
2) The time skips and added details make me re-imagine a bunch of the scenes. " A classic all black 4-door sedan, still warm, with no vehicle identification or other markings on it." My mind said they saw this while driving by, but then you add the still-warm part and now I switch and add a scene of them getting out and walking up to the vehicle, inspecting it, and touching the hood to find that it's still warm.
3) Context. Is this the first chapter or first thing we'll read or an excerpt from later on? The opening leaves me lost and I don't think anywhere else gives context. Maybe you want us confused at the start. I don't know. Maybe just begin with the action sequence because the other stuff isn't world-building and it's really a bunch of reading that could be skipped for this chunk. I think I'd like to read the establishing material first.
4) As said earlier by others, this feels like a regular internet novel with a cover. Needs more pictures or at least establishing shots - and those need to give me an overall vibe that matches the whole section. I think you need a scene, not a profile.
5) Writing seems good and it held my attention. So I think- if it goes the way you expect, you'll have a solid work, here.
6) I say, get the editor (or just edited) and fix the mistakes. As a writer, the writing is the thing you're supposed to be presenting. The only flaws or mistakes should be the ones you didn't catch or didn't know about.
7) Keep going, I would read this. Hopefully the story has some anchors in it. Relationships....a heroes' journey etc.....meaningful moments...an overall point or theme.....Yay
8) Congrats on the doing part. It's not easy TO DO SOMETHING and get it past the planning stages.
YES!! Thank you so much Griffin Avid! I was hoping for real raw honest responses and you delivered in spaids. Early on in writing the perspective was switching much worse as I wrestled in how to narrate the story. After two revisions it kind of smoothed out but I know needed more. Constant interuptions began to wear on me so I posted what I had just to have some forward momentum.
I'm currently working on fixing up the first real scene from the story should be posted tonight or possibly tomorrow. I also plan to incorporate some repairs to the story as you were so gracioius to take the time and help me with. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. Thank you!!
Also I left the last answer because I kept bouncing between "this is dumb, I shouldn't release a story on a graphics based website especially when I have NEVER done this before" and "just do it, things will get better the more you try". So a second big THANK YOU!!
Added 1st scene above.
Hi Junk,well done. I know how hard this is,Ive been working on my stories/graphic novels for 10 years now.-
I agree with the previous comments,lots more images .
Have you researched and looked at different formats? Some graphic novels have no words,either single page or split,or comic style.
Im like you,I love the images and have the idea but the writing is really challenging for me.
Personally Im going to use very few words,a box on each page will cover dialogue and background.
You have some fantastic images,this one above is stunning,thats your forte,make the most of it. A lot of the imagery in the writing could be visually represented rather than words?
Any how I think you have done really well to get this far ,Im still struggling with mine. Its a lot of work and requires planning and dicipline,I get distracted a lot.
Both of my daughters are writers,one is published,the other is a playwright/actress. They both plan and structure their work very carefully, it seems to work for them and save time in the long run.
Keep going and lets see some more of those beautiful black and whites!
Stunning art. Sheeeeeshhhhhhhhh.
I am blown away.
Man, if you could get this to be consistent, I mean, keep this going.....
You'd have somethig special.
catealist thank you so very much! I have seen Griffin Avid with his fantastic comics stories/comics before, some of Takalumi (I think I wrote that correctly) and now it's great to hear from you. I have looked into different formats and believe that I've leveraged the Daz Gallery more towards imagery with a little text. For example here is a story from the Space Crimes universe where Madeline discovers that she is an Android:
https://www.daz3d.com/gallery/#galleries/5928351 ("Space Crimes-Madeline", about Madelines abduction)
https://www.daz3d.com/gallery/#galleries/5878736 ("Space Crimes-Target Acquired", Introducing Lana the spy trying to use John)
https://www.daz3d.com/gallery/#galleries/6277736 ("Space Crimes-We Found Her", Johns team extracts Madeline)
https://www.daz3d.com/gallery/#galleries/2969466 (Misc "Space Crimes" with each one pretty much a story in itself)
You have to read them from oldest to newest for the stories to make sense. I titled them as (1 of x) so to try and keep the order. But the story in this forum is me trying to branch out more into writing.
Two daughters who seem accomplished in their own activities! This must be intimidating or possibly exciting to be able to share your thoughts with theirs.
Thank you again catealist!
Thank you so kindly Griffin Avid! But boy have you checked out your work!?! :) That stuff is amazeballs! I was telling catealist that I've seen your work and the Takaluma story. (probably mispelled that one). To me what you do is THE STORY at utilizing Daz Studio to branch out of just creating one off images that mostly happens in the gallery. It's also why I was just ecstatic when you gave me your thoughts and pointers. I'll try to make some fixes to the story tonight. Thanks again!
This does not seem - to me - to be a graphic novel. A graphic novel is a book-length work of fiction presented in comic strip form. I would absolutely love to see you produce a graphic novel, because a comic strip made up of your stunning images would be a wonder to behold.
What we have is a regular novel (or the beginnings of one) accompanied by illustrations. The illustrations are off-the-scale fantastic, the driving one has a great "film noir" ambience and I look forward to seeing the rest. The text, I think, needs more work.
The main problem I have with it is that the paragraphs are way too long. There's such a lot going on in each pargraph, and I'm afraid I get lost. For comparison - since we're emulating classic detective fiction - here's a passage picked at random from The Maltese Falcon:
You see how each action, and pretty much each line of dialogue gets it's own paragraph? Besides being easier to read, the staccato series of short paragraphs gives the piece a real energy (though hearing Humphey Bogart's voice reading it my head helps here!).
I've taken the liberty of splitting up your first paragraph in the same style. I've left the words alone, other than fixing the odd spelling error and tense change (highlighted in red):
I hope you find creative writing advice from some random guy off the internet useful, because really there's nothing I can tell you about making great images!
The coated windows so robots can't see in is ingenious! I want to like the idea of hiding Lana in plain sight in a place where a lot of windows isn't suspicious, but then he (not sure of his name) is actually the one putting her in danger, something he mentioned was a fear of his, and now he is rushing to save her. So I like the tension that creates (she's in danger and it's really my fault so I need to protect her from danger), but why put a spy/ex-spy in that wide-open precarious situation?
I'm thinking of the series "The Americans" where Russian spies are pretending to be Americans, living as a typical American family in a typical American neighborhood. They dress, talk, and act American. They blend in. They don't have Russian accents that cause them to be suspicious, but they struggle to avoid getting too comfortable with American life while carrying out missions for Russia.
So maybe there is something about her that doesn't raise suspicion? Your art, by the way, is as amazing as ever!
Hey chris-2599934!! I firstly wanted to say that I love your art! Amazing work.
I really enjoy the example excerpt from the "Maltese Falcon". The way it is structured just makes clear, perfect sense. I think my inspiration came from the most recent books I've been reading of Sherlock Holmes which has longer style/bodies of description. I'm also VERY conflicted with proper paragraph structures of five(ish) sentances with the first one stating the idea of the paragraph, the second or additional sentances being the body or supporting portion of a paragraph and the last sentance being a summary/conclusion. This just doesn't work well in a story line from what I can tell.
The restructuring of the story you did is SPOT ON and I absolutely enjoy the additional red portions. They do work well in supporting the thoughts/story. If you are alright with it, I'm going to incorporate some of your ideas into it especially the cutting up of the paragraphs.
Thank you again Chris!
This thread is kind of working at cross purposes right now: it’s impossible for us to evaluate a graphic novel based on a wall of prose, because a graphic novel is a different medium than prose, with different strengths and weaknesses, and different methods of conveying information. In any visual medium, you generally want to, as the saying goes, “show not tell” as much as possible. Try rendering a few panels with no text, and see how much of the story you’re able to convey with visuals alone. This may not be how you approach the final product, and I’m not suggesting that you should, but it might be a useful exercise.
Edit: I swear the thread title and OP referred to this as a “graphic novel” when I started typing this post.
Gordig you are absolutely correct that it did start with "graphic novel" and I apologize about the mis-titling it. I now know that I incorrectly described what I was portraying here. My error is that I saw somewhere in the vast web that there are SOMETHING LIKE:
Or at least something like this. So I incorrectly placed what I was trying to do as a graphic novel.
Hey thank you so much dawnblade for the feedback. I took a chance with the "hiding Lana in plain sight" and just ran with it. I can see your point but thought it was something that could make the story a little more interesting.
I haven't seen the "The Americans" but did see a promo for it so can relate. The story is going through revisions slowly so may end up very different but I'm thinking, at the moment, will most likely stay very similar.
Added a new scene image just now. Also some revisions to the story and spacing halfway through. More changes are absolutely coming hoping to make it more readable and breaking it up into sections like "The Trip", "The Cabin", etc.
Very cool! I love this concept and the imagery looks great. The writing is good too. I recommend maybe having an editor look at it, as some sentences and paragraphs could flow a bit smoother.
For instance this sequence: "The mist had already set in with rain, or possibly even snow, right behind it. Right off the bat something felt wrong as another vehicle, a classic all black empty 4-door sedan with no vehicle identification or other markings on it, was already parked just a little further back from the cabin."
I LOVE the way it starts - the mist and rain paint a gorgeous picture and atmosphere. The mood is set quickly and effectively. The second part could be broken up to flow a bit better, imo. Maybe something like:
Right off the bat something felt wrong, as another vehicle was already parked just a little further back from the cabin. The vehicle, a classic all black 4-door sedan, sat empty and contained no markings or vehicle identification.
I don't know, I'm not a writer, but I think it could maybe flow a bit more smoothly in some places. It reads a bit more like a comic book script than a novella -which actually might be intentional? Since you mentioned more images to come? If it's meant to be like a script for a visual novel, where most of the action and events will be depicted in imagery rather than text - then it works great! If a lot of the text will remain as part of the storytelling, then it probably needs to flow a bit better so an editor could help with that. All in all, though, this is very cool! :D
The accompanying renders look so good too!
I like your edit, Diva!
I always love seeing more "Space Crimes" story and images! It's very interesting and addictive.
Hey thank you so much Divamakeup! I really like what you have pointed out and agree too. I keep in the back of my head that an editor would be required to fix so many of the little things as writing is not my strong suit. Just trying to get as close to possible as I can at the moment, to move the imagery along.
Thank you so much Fae! Hope I'm saying the name correctly.
You're very welcome, can't wait to read more!
(And it's pronouced just like "Fay")
Added another image. I'm pretty slow at about one frame every 3 days.
. That would be the worse video game frame rate ever.
And one more image added. Not the best but carries the story along.
Had a little fight with depression but I'm back!
Created/uploaded a new image to fill in the story.
Not unless you were a sloth! :)
I guess you are right on that point!
BTW: Uploaded a new image today.
Made a comic book out of the most recent image. Thought I would share it here.
LINK TO THE GALLERY IMAGE
Scene 8 uploaded.
Uploaded the next completed scene into the story.
LINK TO THE GALLERY IMAGE