OT - Need Advice with Housemate
JasmineSkunk
Posts: 1,906
Hi. Sorry I haven't been back in awhile. Many of you probably don't even know me...
Normally, I would reach out through fb or something like that, but that's not really going to work out with this situation.
I have recently moved in with several housemates. One of them moved in about the same time as I did. She's very sweet and kind. But...
She never gives me space. I've tried to politely explain that I'm not extremely social. That I'm quite a serious introvert and that I suffer anxiety from prolonged social interactions...
She seems to be very understanding when I discuss these things with her, but...
She will call my phone several times a day. She wants to go everywhere I go around here. If I go out to smoke, or go to lunch, she'll be like, "Why didn't you call me?" We're in separate rooms and quite often I will just try to chill out in my room, but she calls and says, "You going for a smoke?". If I don't answer my phone, she comes to my room to ask. If I say, no... She just looks kinda sad and awkward...
It's causing me so much anxiety. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I've already tried to explain to her on a few different occasions, that I really just need time to myself sometimes and that too much social interaction stresses me out, but I guess she isn't understanding.
I'm not sure how to proceed...
Post edited by JasmineSkunk on
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Comments
I'm not sure what to suggest
but
if I was in that situation I would say to her what part of 'I'm not extremely social. That I'm quite a serious introvert and that I suffer anxiety from prolonged social interactions' do you not understand?..
but like I said that's what I would do... but a lot of people don't like people who say what they think... oooops..
so I probably shouldn't of posted that.. but you get my drift.
good luck with your predicament.
I was once a bit like your problem housemate, I was very insecure and needy and wanted friends and over bugged people
solved it getting a cat, learning to find joy in books etc and now am more like you actually
but I understand the behaviour, she sadly might misread social cues like I do
you need to be very blunt and block her on your phone too
If it was me, I would be really blunt. You have tried explaining carefully, that didnt work. Just tell her straight to stop bugging you. Yes, she might get hurt, but so what? Your health is more important. She might have insecurity issues herself, but it's NOT your job to fix it. If she keeps following you, tell her to stop being a stalker, because let's face it, that's what she is.
Being housemates doesn't mean you are obligated to spend time with each other, and being housemates does NOT mean you are best friends..
If you are too uncomfortable confronting her directly, maybe you could get help from the other housemates? Have you tried talking to them? For all you know, she is bugging them too.
Greetings,
I was loathe to make suggestions, because a lot of what I'd suggest is more...work. I've known a lot of folks like that, though, and...I hope this comes across helpful...
It sounds like she's lost and maybe a bit unmoored, and sees you as someone who's got themselves together. She also sounds like the kind of person who's just moved into a new town and doesn't have any roots there, and is desperately looking for something to hold onto. She smokes, you smoke, she's not the first person to find that a shared experience. (My mom bonded with her mom over cigarettes, after decades of not getting along.)
I've lived in group settings (geek households for me) a number of times, and they took a toll on me every time, because it requires a lot more social interaction than I'm used to. One of them was a nexus for lost people, searching for their way, and more often than not folks would crash at our place for a few weeks until their lives were up and running. They did exactly what you're describing, mostly because the permanent residents of the household were successful (wildly, for ~1992 standards). We'd teach them according to their ability, show them how to get jobs, navigate the apartment market, and get out on their own. That usually got them out of the habit of puppydogging us (not being derogatory; they were good people, just...needed the reassurance and a little boost) since their lives were suddenly much more full. And that's the lead-in to a potential solution for you, but...it's really hard if you've got serious social issues.
You could suggest asking her to text you instead of calling, and then texting back the rough equivalent of, 'Hey, I appreciate that you want to do something... I need my alone time right now.' You can add, 'We'll take a smoke break later.' but only if you can afford the social energy. If you can, then take that time to learn what she's interested in (people usually LOVE talking about themselves) and use what you learn to direct her social energies away from yourself. ('Hey, you mentioned you like Science Fiction? You should check out the local SF group, here's when they meet.' 'You said knitting's your thing? There's a 'stitch and bitch' group just down the street...')
The nicest thing you could do is help her find her social circle. If you know the area and groups of people, guide her to doing things that she'll find interesting. If she finds 'her people', she'll ease up on the pressure on you, like the lost boys and girls coming through our place did. But it's a PITA, and hard to navigate without getting the dreaded, 'Oh...could you come with me and introduce me to them?'
There's no quick non-rude solution, unfortunately. Which means you either suffer, which sucks, or figure out what her problem is and help her solve it, which also sucks since it's emotional labor you shouldn't have to be doing. I generally picked the latter because it felt like I was doing something to resolve the problem, which eased my anxiety.
My condolences, though, on the emotional energy drain.
-- Morgan
p.s. There's always the possibility she's an energy vampire (I don't mean that literally, of course) and you'll suss that out quick enough, in which case it's best to disconnect and become a gray rock to them.
What about the other housemates? Can they and she be encouraged to find anything in common with each other?
Hi JasmineSkunk!
I remember you... you used to frequent the old forums before you escaped to Canada... And I think you have a couple of filters over at Filter Forge.
You might not remember me because I used to have a different username... Lordvicore... I decided to change it to avoid confusion with the fast food chain.
Anyway, I mentioned all that so you could make the connection to who is writing this and avoid wasting any more time reading this... If you remember, I write really long replies or comments that really don't make much sense or help anyone other than the companies that make insanity medications.
Okay, reintroductions and warning disclaimers aside, I would... Oh, wait... I forgot the warning disclaimer...
WARNING: AdviceFrumMe is not for everyone. Taking AdviceFrumMe, solicited or unsolicited is not recommended. AdviceFrumMe is not for children under the age of 38 and should only be taken if prescribed by a trained medical professional who dislikes you. AdviceFrumMe may cause hallucinations, Itchy Spleen Syndrome, watery eyes, baldness, premature molting of exoskeleton, Limburger Feet, insanity, projectile vomiting, loss of feathers, chafing on the dangling bits, hairballs, night terrors, horseface, loss of eyebrows and or irritable pancreas complex. Do not take AdviceFrumMe if you are recently deceased or experience undeath. If you are pregnant or have seen someone who is, ask your doctor before taking AdviceFrumMe. Do not lift heavy machinery or drive a tank while reading AdviceFrumMe. Do not drink alcohol while reading AdviceFrumMe, finish it first. Under no conditions, circumstances or for any reason should AdviceFrumMe be taken seriously or followed. Stop reading this now.
There is actually more, but I got tired writing it and most people stop reading after they see my name.
Well, where to begin...? Well, first off I should re-read the initial question because I forgot it already... Excuse me while I do...
Hmmm... Okay...
So just putting this out there... You've got a great opportunity for having a minion there... Just in case you've ever thought of becoming a super villain, this could be a great way to start... Good minions are hard to recruit which is why I just cheap out and use chinchillas and goats, but someone who follows you around is definitely a good beginning. You can test their perseverance by climbing the rim of a volcano or swinging over a tank of man eating sharks and seeing if they follow you. Of course don't do that if you are allergic to sharks or lava, but I've found that a good way of testing for minionship.... Miniondom...? Eh, anyway...
Even if you don't actually want to be a super villain or want a minion, dressing up as a super villain is a great way of making people rethinking their interest in following you around. Also it's a great way of getting out of being invited to weddings and boring parties and is a really effective way of ensuring people don't talk to you while waiting on lines at a banks or grocery stores.
I recommend outfits with helmets with large horns and long capes... And if you really want it to be effective, sequins and 70s style spandex.
I realize you might not want to go with that idea and I noticed Wendy mentioned getting a cat and I think that is a great idea.
You can collect stray cats and start throwing them at her... It takes practice but it is very effective.
Since you might care about the wellbeing of the cats, especially if you have a lot of large open windows where you live, you could try buying a stuffed cat... I mean "plush", not some dead cat which a crazy person stuffed, and not the dish "Stuffed Cat"... Although both are potentially good methods of driving people away. Actually, you can save a lot money by stuffing a dead cat yourself, but the people at pet cemeteries seem to be really touchy about people digging up stuff there... And apparently "in the name of science" bears no weight there... Megh, I guess my Catenstein project will have to wait.
Anyway... The easier and more sanitary option is probably to just purchase a plush cat and start carrying it around talking to it and having long conversations with it about all sorts of uncomfortable subjects. For some reason people seem put off by that.
Or you could dressing up like a cat and buy a big litterbox and start using that instead of the toilet... That also is mostly a great way of ending a romantic relationship... Of course in rare circumstances the other person may join you and that opens up a whole different set of problems.
You could fill up your purse with doll heads (Barbies with no hair) and every time the person who is following you around asks you a question, you can open up your purse and consult the heads... It's really effective to occasionally take a few out and stick them on your fingers and act out scenes from Broadway plays or famous operas.
Just talking to yourself a lot is cheaper, but kinda unoriginal... Unless you come up with good backstories for the different personalities you invent...
But I warn you, sometimes it's hard to say good-bye to them after you scare away the other person and the others can be really annoying and make you do bad things... Some which involve cat costumes.
Be gassy... Eat all sorts of foods that make you loudly gassy... Really loudly gassy... And don't hold back.
Don't bathe... You might get a talking to from someone at human resources at work, but it is also pretty effective.
You could try being honest and saying you need space... That's not as much fun as scaring people away... Or scaring the hell out of them, but I suppose it's a more "socially acceptable" option than minionhood or fright.
I'd sit them down and explain to them that you need your space because you have a lot of anxiety (I'd add "which makes me really stabby, but the doctor says I'm probably over that now"... but you probably shouldn't say that) and that you don't want to hurt her feelings or have to start dressing up as a farty cat and that it really causes you stress which isn't good for you... Beforehand you can collect hair from your hairbrush and hide a big clump in back of your hair and after you tell her about the stress, you can say "It's kinda making my hair fall out..." (Reach in back and pull out the clump of hair)... "See... It's like this all the time... The doctor said I'll be bald in no time..." Say it really sadly too... Nobody likes sad bald roommates, so this will carry a lot of weight.
(Disclaimer: This is not an actual fact... Studies have proven that sad bald roommates are really great and 97 out of 100 people prefer sad bald roommates to hairy fun roommates in polls where people were willing to answer weird questions like that)
Normally I don't recommend honesty, but in some circumstances it can be useful... But you really have to have the right conditions and be able to know if the person is capable of accepting such a talk at the moment... Circumstances, timing, mood and emotional stability are all important factors in having an effective honest conversation with someone... Obviously don't burst into her room at 3:00 AM, using a fire axe to take out the door, throw a bucket of cold pudding on her and shake her awake... Some people find that off putting and have a hard time properly processing what you say after that.
Believe me, it took me a long time to figure that out and it had a huge impact on my communications skills when I stopped.
I know it's hard to believe, but in the past (decades ago) I've had a couple of people who followed me around...
Mostly detectives and federal law enforcement agents, but one or two were people who for whatever reason found me interesting to hang around with... And of those one or two people, one or two of them were kinda... I don't want to say "lonely" or "needy", so I'll say "deranged enough to want to hang out with me"... And while I don't have anxiety, I'm not what one would call "social" or "safe to be around"... And it was really awkward to have someone following me around who was not doing so in an official capacity.
So I thought about it and decided that talking to that person would be the best most honest and most psychologically comforting way to make them understand that they were creeping me the hell out and if they didn't stop I was going to start throwing dead pigeons at them...
So instead I opted to dress up as a super villain cat and be really gassy.
As effective as that was, in retrospect I feel waiting for the right moment and being honest would have been less traumatic for them.
Either way, ultimately it is up to you to decide how to handle this and you really shouldn't take advice from me...
Ever.
Seriously.
Whatever you choose to do, I hope it works out for you and doesn't actually involve anything I've suggested.
Well... Good luck and have a great day!
JasmineSkunk,
Your situation plus your avatar makes me think of Pepe Le Pew! Love offered by one party, not so greatly appreciated by the other party.
Your housemate does sound like a nice person. Both of you deserve to be happy and I personally think there is a non brutal way to handle this situation.
First, as I've learend the hard way, the reasons why people do things are just as if not more important than what they do. Sure, she annoys you, but why? If her intent is to purposefully drive you nuts and punish you then that sucks. If however her intent is to make a friend, then the sitation is salvagable. It really is the thought that counts. not just the final result. But figuring out what people are thinking is clearly the hard part. Just randomly here are a few possible reasons why she hasnt been getting it.
1. Instinct tells her that she must get to know the people whom she is living with, like sisters in a sorority
You can't blame a person for wanting to know at least a little bit of something about the people which whom they are living, especially if they have had previous experiences where a lot of bonding has occurred and lifelong friendships have developed, or the opposite where experiences were bad and personalities were scarred, trusts betrayed. Are you a serial arsonist? If so then this won't work because we can't have two living in the same apartment plus I already pity the loser of this current argument! But on a serious note it can sometimes be important to understand the thoughts and feelings of the people you are surrounded with. a little bit of homework on the parts of all of the housemates is expected in my view. Though your own curiosity may be satisfied after a first hello and handshake, other people like to study a little longer
2. Lack of Experience or Imagination
Its possible that the words you are speaking arent landing because she has no context by which to understand them. This could be due to a lack of life experiences interacting with people with feelings like yours who openly express them (instead of hiding), as well as a lack of imagination giving her the capacity to imagine your thoughts even without personal experience. Its hard to find fault with people for having a lack of imagination. If this is the case, simply educating her is all that is necessary.
3. She doesnt believe you
Less likely, but still It could be that she isnt lacking experience or imagination at all, she could very well just assume that your tendency to be introverted is a response to a lack of proper friendly stimulus, and that all you need is the right friend to break you out of your introversion. She might think she's doing you a favor by constantly assaulting your wall of solace. Again, all that is needed is to kindly relieve her of any potential burden of feeling to need to socialize you. You have your limits and that's just the way it is.
4. She's not conscious of how she's affecting you, she's only seeking to fill her own needs
This is similar to what previous posters have stated. Maybe she's so caught up in her own world building exercise that she is not paying attention to the consequences of her actions upon others. This manner of behavior can seem shockingly similar to indifference, which can border on cruelty. But again the intent is the key factor here. Slowing her roll and making her conscious of her impact on you will solve the issue.
You: Susan, I want to explain something to you about me. I feel this information is necessary and important for you to have in order for us to foster a rewarding friendship in the future.
Her: Oook, sounds kinda serious.
You: It is.
Her: Okay. What's on your mind? Oh no, is it my breath?
You: No, its not your breath as such. I feel that I should alert you that I am somewhat unique in that my threshold for social interactions is much less than for most people. Ever since my childhood I have preferred to spend time alone. I do have friends, but I do not tend to rely on them for very much. For example: Regular friendly "check ins" like calls and texts and the like that many people find comforting usually tend to cause me to feel stressed. My cell phone ringing constantly, facebook posts, all irritate me after a few minutes. There's no need to pull out any textbooks here, I'm not asking you for medical advice. But what I am asking for is your consideration. It isnt that I do not want to be friends with you, its that even as friends I will still require a good deal of time alone. Most of my activities I will choose to endeavor upon alone. This is who I am, it doesnt reflect upon you.
Her: Oh really, I didnt realize you felt that way. So sorry if I was overly exhuberant in my desire to spend time with you.
You: Dont apologize, your intent was pure and understandable. That's why I wanted to have this talk with you...to explain my viewpoint. I love making new friends, it just takes me a bit of time to get there. Do you fully understand what I am asking of you?
Her: Sure. My grandma was the same way. Once she shot my grandfather twice on the same day because he wouldnt stop following her around the house. No worries. I'll limit calls to once a day, or even less if you prefer. Call me anytime, I'm always available. I'll brush my teeth again for good measure. Thanks for talking with me. Have a good night.
You: Thanks. I owe you one. Just to show you how friendly I can be I'll recommend you a good mouthwash.
Bluntness shouldnt be necessary if you appeal to her humanity.
All the best Jasmine!
McGyver, you're a hoot. I'm probably one of the few people that actually reads your readme files ;) "train her as a minion", gotta love it...
Anyway, I had simialar problems in dealing with people when I was younger, as you get older you have less problem saying "go away, you're annoying me".
There is a book out there for dealing with situations like this called "When I Say No, I feel Guilty". My suggestion is you give it a read. Basically it deals with how to be assertive. It would probably help you in more than just dealings with this person, there are a lot of manipulative people out there.
In this case the advice is simple: You have a right to say no. You have a right not to feel guilty about it.
Sorry, JasmineSkunk, I do not have an advice for you, but I have enjoyed so much reading the posts in this thread, so I have to put my 2 cents here.
Reading McGyver's posts is always the pleasure, so you are in good hands, right now.
I was about to suggest to find somebody else to follow for your housemate, but it does not seems right, after reading the posts here.
Simply put, you and I are very very similar hon. We are friends on Fb but I understand, esp if your friends with her there as well.
She sounds like she needs a boy or girlfriend that loves attention and plenty of time with one another. Try playing cupid and see what happens.
Often times my roommate is away on business trips (or he's a secret agent and my place is his hideout, I'm sort of torn between the two theories) so when he's gone it's great, I have the place to myself but when he's home I get very anxious at times but LUCKILY for me after a hug and how ya doing and a little talk he stays in his space and I stay in mine but getting used to another warm body in the house again takes me a couple of days.
The only other suggestion I have is to be cold and aloof, it's not a nice way to be but sometimes it will drive the point home. Then you can inch your way back to being nicer and hopefully she will realize that your two personalities are not a perfect match for hanging out. I totally get you though! My friends all like me out with them all the time but understand that I'm not wired like that. So when they see me it's a good time, when they don't see me they know not to come calling! lol
"Hi. You have needs for a freindship that I cannot accomodate. I need you to respect my boundaries for any hope of a freindship to develop between us. You are a very social and outgoing person. I respect that and don't wish you to curb your interaction with others but with me alone, I have to draw a line for my own mental health. Interacting with people, especially gregarious people such as yourself, is extremely exhausting for someone as introverted as I am. I like that I I enjoy solitude and don't need to pal around as much as you do. My introversion does not need to be fixed nor do i "need" socialization to the degree others might.
For the sake of any freindship that may form, I am asking you to find others with whom you can interact and rely on me less. i ask also that you respect my boundaries. When I have my door closed, consider it as having a "DO NOT DISTURB" sign on it. If I don't answer my phone, please do not repeatedly call me. Please leave a message and continue on with your life as if i do not exist until I contact you even if you believe me to be in my room.
Let me be clear. i am not angry with you. I am not mad, but i am demanding my space. For the sake of my mental health and safety, I am asking you not to violate my boundaries. Please respect them.
Thank you for your time."
Try and find out why she's being like she is.
It may be that she is always like that, and there is advice here on how to cope; it may also be that she is being different to her norm, due to something; maybe that would also help you resolve the situation.
No need. You should be able to respect a persons boundaries. if they can't, the problem is with them and with them to solve, not you. Please state your needs succintly, let them know you don't mean to be rude or offend them but that is what you need , and they need to figure it out on their own. IMHO.
And you frankly don't want to be freinds with someone who cannot respect your boundaries.
Try this, "GET THE *!@% AWAY FROM ME!!!!!!". usually works for me
Have you considered that she may be interested in you, and not sure how to express that fact? That could explain her following you around and wanting to spend time with you, even when you don't want her around?
+1 That is my approach.
It's not up to you to solve other people's problems. Skip the wordy, namby pamby, understanding platitudes. You're way different than her. Tell her so and that you dislike clawing, fawning attempts at companionship. If you don't want to be her friend, say so. Block her from your phone as you would any other nuisance. No, means no. But be prepared for the consequences. Especially if she's a games player.
-- Oscar the Grouch --
Did I ever tell the story of how I arranged to stop getting asked to contribute to birthday parties at the office by the resident goodie-two-shoes birthday fairy? ... story for another time.
'I JUST RENT A ROOM HERE" slams door in face...
You can be direct without being hurtful.
In your case, I would tell her that you can not be what she likes you to be and explain, again, why.
You can tell her, that, if you do not answer your phone that is because you want to be on your own.
You can tell her that it is not personal and that you are like that with the other housemates because of your social anxiety.
I am a very open person and I say how I feel, but I know how to say it without hurting feelings, it is not always easy.
My Daughter started Uni last year and, she had a girl like your housemate that was very clingy * my daughter also suffers from anxiety * and she found it very difficult.
I gave my daughter the same advice and, on top of that, my daughter send this girl a link, reg. her anxiety so she could inform herself
It worked out fine for my daughter and no feelings have been hurt.
I'll be a little bit blunt. My take on your post is that you don't feel comfortable asserting yourself with other people because you feel somewhat guilty about how they might react. Your roomate is playing on that situation so that she can passive-aggressively get what she wants.
If you can find it, either in a store or online, you might try skimming through this book. It offers up some very practical and down to earth suggestions for situations like yours.
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/your-perfect-right-robert-alberti/1122988644
If you don't want to, don't answer her calls. It's not wrong or rude to decide when and how you wish to communicate with others. If she asks whether you wish to interact with her, and you don't, politely say 'no'. Don't give her long explanations, or reasons, just politely say that you wish to be alone right now. If she continues, just stand for a period, even wait for her to finish without saying anything. Politely repeat your intentions, and then go on your way. Don't enable her actions.
Many people put themselves in a box worrying about how others will perceive them if they simply assert their own wishes. I'm not talking about being rude or aggressive, just asserting your own wishes in an equitable manner.
BTW, all of these suggestions may not work well, and you might have to consider getting out of the situation altogether. That is an acceptable alternative also.
If they have custom license plates:like the lovely state of Virginia:
Its the hand prints that get me every time. <.<
(My background- ) I've got a Masters in Counseling, and was a professor of crisis counseling and Interpersonal Communication (relationships) at a university for five years. Here's a few concepts for you.
You're not responsible for how others feel. You are responsible for you. She is responsible for how she feels, you don't MAKE HER feel any way. She makes that decision.
Personalize and own your feelings. "I feel X when you Y." That puts the responsibility on you, where it should be- and lowers the strength of the defensive response from her.
State what you expect very clearly. Going through a conversation without a goal at the end that is established, just wastes time. Wants, needs, and expectations are three separate elements and make sure you differentiate and clearly STATE what you EXPECT HER TO DO. No guesswork.
State the facts. "I've told you several times I ....." and then "And I am frustrated at the lack of privacy." (You summarized the end result in the second half, without emphasizing HER. That is addressing the issue and you owning it. "I smoke for private times to relax, and I don't want other people- anyone- there when I am doing that." (Broadening the scope again lowers her defensiveness and makes her more agreeable hopefully.) "While it's a compliment you want to hang out with me, I'm just of a different mindset and want peace and quiet. So this is really stressing me out. I need you to respect my boundaries." BE DIRECT WITH WHAT YOU EXPECT. THEN STATE THE GOAL. "I need you to...." (stop texting, etc. BE CLEAR AS TO THE GOAL.)
I always told my clients- REHEARSE. Practice what you are going to say, and do NOT let the other person sidetrack you. Keep it on track. ONLY ADDRESS ONE POINT AT A TIME, and do not move to another point until you have made your position clear. That is what rehearsing does for you.
Remember- you have a right to feel whatever you are feeling. It's what you DO about feelings that can be positive or needing improvement. So whatever you feel- it's A-OK!
Whatever you choose to do, keep in mind that you do NOT owe her anything, and don't let her guilt-trip you.
You might try to quit smoking. Then tell her you are trying to quit smoking and need to limit contact with people who smoke because the smell of cigarettes(I assume that is what you mean by smoking:) may cause you to backslide.