OT: Laugh Last For Jen And Win... The Entire Thread!
BlueIrene
Posts: 1,318
in The Commons
That's right - in a shameless attempt to raise the profile of Daz Jen's GoFundMe page, I've decided that the last person to crack a joke or post a funny render here will win... the entire thread! Go on, you know you want to ;)
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Long before Turbo, there was a snail who wanted to go places fast. Well, faster anyway. He was enamored of Herbie, from the Disney movies, so went to a Volkswagen dealership and ordered a Beetle Convertible complete with racing stripes. Where Herbie's number went, he had them put a big S, because he was proud to be a snail. His customized car was ready a week later. He was so excited, as he pulled onto the street, he put the pedal to the metal and sped away. The salesman turned to his buddy and said, "Wow, look at that "S" car go!"
Reminds me of my Mom's recipe in an old cookbook, (fundraiser for Daughters of the Nile)...
Honeymoon Salad:
Just Lettuce Alone.
Not so long ago, my husband was about to do some sausage and mash for tea and reached for the potatoes that I'd bought (from the bargain baskets!) while out shopping. 'These are purple', he said. 'Oh, don't worry' I replied, 'That'll just be the skins.' Except that it wasn't, and this is what appeared on my plate. Definitely a veg tale, but whether it was a laughing matter or a true life horror story is debatable :)
Can't resist a classic:
I went to a Bed&Breakfast, knocked on the door, and an old woman opened a window on the second floor and shouted down.
"What do you want?" she asked.
"I want to stay here tonight," I said.
"Well then stay there tonight," she replied.
Not really jokes but a couple of true stories from my days working at a fishing peir.
I worked the counter with a gentleman who was so strict it was said that he would even charge a blind man for sightseeing. Well, one day two people came in and one had his hand hanging on to the shoulder of the other. My coworker diligently charged each of them the sightseeing fee. When they had gone he turned to me said "That man must be really drunk", to which I had to reply "No, he's not drunk, he's blind" My coworker never did live that one down.
Another time I was fishing by myself and catching some nice trout but I didn't want other people to know and try to fish in the same place. Wanting to know if I was catching anything, some came along and asked "What are you doing?", to wich I provided a perfectly honest answer and simply replied "Fishing"
And if that's not true then I'd be lion.
A man and a woman meet in a bar and end up in a hotel room. Next morning the man calls the hotel service:
"Could you please send up some breakfast for two?"
"Indeed, sir".
"Oh, and could you also include a bunch of carrots".
"A bunch of carrots?"
"Yes, just in case she also eats like a rabbit..."
Art i choking
Actually, purple potatoes are awesome tasting.
Meanwhile, please remember - not everyone will get these jokes. Please take a moment, and think about those poor souls who are Laughtose Intolerant.
Hmmm... Tempting... Win a whole thread...
I'm intrigued...
A few questions though...
-If someone wins the tread, do they get to keep it?... Like forever?
-Can they resell it on EBay or at a garage sale?
-Could it be donated to a museum and written off as a tax break?
-Does it come with a dust case or some other kind of translucent cover that allows the winner to display it at home, yet keeps spiders, mice or owls from nesting in it?
- Is there an official Term & Conditions hotline that I can call at any hour of the night to ask pertinent questions about this contest?
- Is this contest available to residents of the Galapagos Islands?
- Does one have to be a current living resident of Earth to participate?
- Is there an age limit to participate?
- Must one be properly attired to participate, or is this going to be like shopping malls and libraries where they insist you be wearing "clothing"?
- What is the average weight of an adult male chinchilla wearing a properly sized bowler hat and boxer shorts on Jupiter's moon Io (Assuming of course it's in a pressurized, shielded habitat of some sort and not floating, sizzling in a puddle of molten sulfur)?
- Does the winner have the right to develop this thread into a novel, movie script, TV sitcom or lethal punishment device for convicted criminals?
- Is there a recommended age limit to viewing this thread or must small children wear a blindfold while reading it?
- How about children that are unusually tall or freakishly hairy for their age?
- Can Sasquatchs participate too?
- This is not a question, but I think my neighbor's kid is a Sasquatch... I'd say possibly a Wookie, but he doesn't wear that bandolier/purse thing that Chewbacca wears, which I assume is standard attire for Wookies... That and they ( jr. Sasquatch's family) said they are from Oregon and I'm pretty sure Wookies are not native to Oregon, but anyway, he keeps looking over the fence at me while I'm writing this... They say he is ten years old, but he is literally looking over the six foot tall stockade fence and not standing on anything... I'm starting to feel uncomfortable because I was outside eating some of my meat jerky collection (from the Jerky of Month Club) and now I think the wind shifted and he might be smelling it... Yeah... He is definitely looking at the jerky... Well, I'm throwing the Canadian Maple-Pumpkin Spice Moose Jerky in his direction and running inside.
- Do you think that Madagascar Sweet Marine Iguana jerky is still safe to eat if it has fallen in a puddle of floor cleaner?... When I ran inside I slipped on the freshly mopped floor and dropped my jerky collection... The iguana landed in a very wet spot... It's really hard to come by because the company that makes this jerky is environmentally responsible and only uses meat from iguanas that have died from natural causes, suicide or have been sentenced to death by a jury of their peers for crimes against iguanakind... you are probably thinking I should have just gone in the attic to eat my jerky, like a normal person... But the bats are really big and they attacked me the last time I tried hiding pork chops up there.
- Is there a recommended word limit to a joke, pun or post for this contest?
- Will the winner or their next of kin be notified of their having won in the event they have a really short memory or attention span and have forgotten they posted something in this contest?
- Is anyone still reading this?
- Are there any possible side effects to entering in this contest, such as itchy spleen, swollen eyebrows, comical flatulence, short term memory loss, blurry vision or Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller Syndrome?
I think that about covers it.
I'm considering posting something but I'm not sure if my overly serious nature is appropriate for this sort of thing... What if I post something and people take seriously and there is like a war or big food fight because of it?
With great responsibility comes great power... No... With great power comes sriracha spring roll... No, that was pad thai noodles... I think, that is the number 5 combo that comes with the massaman curry and lemon grass something or others... Megh, I really feel like having empanadas, the Mr Clean soaked iguana tastes too lemomy for Thai... Oh, sorry... I was reading some menus while I was writing this. But anyway with great something comes some other stuff and you gotta think about stuff before you do stuff, or other stuff, not necessarily good stuff might happen and then people will say bad stuff or throw stuff at you and then you'll be sad... Or dead, depending on how big or pointy the stuff was they threw at you happened to be.
So... In conclusion, I just wanted to ask a few questions which I'm sure everyone or most likely nobody at all has wondered about... Just to be sure and to waste time while I put my nefarious plan in motion... Uh... I mean to clear up any lingering uncertainties... Ignore that last part, the doorbell rang and I thought it was UPS with my Yttrium delivery. Nothing nefarious or planned going on here.
So please consider these questions while consuming some hard liquor (it helps) and either ignore them completely or say something polite hoping it was enough and I won't respond or have already forgotten, which is highly likely since I have the attention span of a sock monkey.
Thank you.
At least until the next person wins!
If you can find a buyer who has a DAZ Forum account.
NO, the government will always end up with extra money.
Dust cases are optional, but I have a great pattern for one if you wish to make your own.
Hang on while I look up @Chohole's number!
Only if they have internet access.
I don't believe that has ever been stipulated anywhere within the DAZ TOS. So, I'm guessing one doesn't have to be a current resident of Earth. However, they do still need a DAZ Forum account.
I don't believe so.
Clothing optional as long as you act responsibly and are sitting on your own towel.
When I find Chohole's number you can ask her that one via the hotline.
Yes, but releases are required from everyone who participated in the thread.
No age limit and blindfolds are only required by those whose names start with 'Mc'.
As long as their height or hair doesn't impair their sense of humor, they can participate.
I don't believe I've come across a Sasquatch with a sense of humor yet.
If you rinse it off, I'm sure it isn't any more dangerous than the jerkie itself. It might actually improve the taste.
This is because one should never attempt to hide things from bats!
Limits are limited to those jokes, puns or posts that are required to give a punch line with the least amount of words possible.
It isn't the responsibility of the forum mods to inform someone when they've won a forum thread. That responsibility lies solely with those competing for the title.
Yes, I didn't have anything else to do while my computer was rendering.
Side effects are ALWAYS possible.
I don't drink, but I'll consider it for the next time. Please resist from maligning those adorably cute sock monkies in future posts.
Thank you.
Hmmm... Thank you for clearing that up. I'm going to print that out, lose it, then print that out again but this time stick it to something I won't lose, but will lose, forget about it for a few days, find this thread read your response, print it out again and staple it to my arm which I hopefully won't misplace.
Thanks!
Did you take that picture?... I have a white towel just like that one in the background, only it's blue... Actually, I lost that towel at the beach when some seagulls attacked me for my pork chops, which I suppose is why they have that old saying "a wise man never wears a hat made of pork chops to the beach in June", but I ignore a lot of old sayings, especially that one about not ignoring old saying... But anyway, that was my favorite orange towel, I used to antagonize goats with it at the petting zoo... I'm assuming it was a petting zoo, though nobody was really petting the goats or orangutans... But anyway I used to drop it on the ground a lot when the orangutans would chase me (do not snap towels at orangutans)... And eventually it had too much goat dooties ground into it to be considered sanitary... so much so it was almost a greenish-brown, so I bleached it and dyed it blue with a natural octopus ink dye I get from a local octopus rancher... I used the octopus dye because the red dye you get from squeezing chinchillas isn't as colorfast and the chinchillas don't seem to like it or live very long after a good squeezing.
But anyway, I'm not accusing you of stealing my towel or sending seagulls to attack me to take my pork chop hat and towel... But if you did... well played... That's exactly what I would have done if I were in your shoes, which I am not... Even though I'm not wearing my own shoes... These are more like open toed pumps and they are kinda big, those were the only shoes I could find at the Buddhist temple that fit me... I went to a memorial service for an old possum friend of mine who was run over by a garbage truck... Technically he was run over by a Toyota pickup truck first, but I think you are only supposed to count the last vehicle that ran over someone as the death vehicle... Right?
Anyway, it wasn't a big ceremony, in fact it was only me, and I'm not actually sure if he was a Buddhist, but it seemed like it would be nice if he was so that's what I put down on the death certificate after I ran him over to collect on his life insurance, which bye the way is hard to get for a possum without their signature... But technically I didn't kill him, it was the garbage truck that was following me that ran him over to death, which is pretty fortunate for me because he was looking pretty mad when I went over him and he used to have a big antique gun collection... so good thing that garbage came along... But yeah, anyway I think someone stole or more likely threw away my shoes because they smell funny... Not "ha-ha" funny, more like "aaghwhatthehellisthat" funny... Sorry, that's a German word and it doesn't translate well...
But anyway, someone probably threw away or set fire to my shoes and they weren't there when I went to get them, so I had to take someone else's shoes and the only ones that fit were those gorgeous red pumps, which I suppose where okay to take because it's like "take a shoe, leave a shoe" I suppose... because why else do you have to leave your shoes outside? Besides for all I knew some big footed monk could of taken my shoes too... There was a lot of incense in the air so he might have not been offended by their unique fragrance.
But anyway, I took them mostly because I hate walking barefoot, especially when I have to climb over chain link fences, which I sort of had to do because I couldn't go out the front gate, what with the police there... I'm sure it had nothing to do with the shoes or that golf cart I left in the fountain out front, but you never know how people might react to certain parking choices, so I decided to think practically and escape out back, which by the way in retrospect, if you are climbing a chain link fence, don't do it in open toed pumps, and don't climb the fence atop a short wall hiding a twenty foot drop into decorative rose bushes... The kind that they went through the trouble of genetically engineering to grow bigger thorns...
But yeah, anyway... If I were in your shoes, which I think I'm not, one because I'm pretty sure you write like a person with small feet and two because I'm barefoot and I lost those shoes when the dogs chased me... They weren't big scary dogs, it was just a whole lot of dachshunds and I was afraid they would nibble on my ankles too much and give me a rash and then I wouldn't be able to wear my pantomime gorilla costume, which has really rough ankle padding... I frikin' hate wearing socks in that costume because my feet get sweaty and the foot sweat has built up something awful in there and the sock stick inside and I have to use long nose pliers to pull them out... It's very awkward... especially since I haven't cleaned that thing in twenty years... Well actually, ever... it was a replacement for my old one that burned after I soaked it in gasoline to kill the foot sweat bacteria, and I'm not gonna repeat that incident again, especially given how expensive and unrealistic new gorilla costumes are these days...
Hey, I just realized... Maybe the gorilla costume is making my feet funky... I do wear it a lot... I was wearing it to church this morning... I don't go to church often... Mostly because I'm waiting for the heat to die down or people to forget what I look like, but I had to go to confession in hurry the other day and I left my bike chained to the candle stand and I know how much people complain about leaving stuff chained to stuff in a church... And apparently it's also frowned upon to ride out down the main aisle during mass... I really should have paid more attention when I went to catholic school when I was a kid. But to be honest they never directly said "don't ride a bike in church" as far as I know. So luckily I was wearing the gorilla costume...
I really forgot what that had to do with anything, but I just wanted to say if that was you with the seagulls... Well, good show... I never expected seagulls... I really never do.
I hope you enjoyed the pork chop hat too, it was a family heirloom that was given to me by a dear old friend who was run over by a garbage truck and it meant a lot to me.
You can keep it, though... Maybe sell it on eBay or something... But if that is my towel, and I'm not accusing you of towel thievery... maybe the seagulls left it with you... Please treat it well, it's been though a lot with me, and... Oh... Wait... No wonder I'm still bare foot, I forgot... I just took a shower and I didn't lose the towel... its still here... In fact I'm wearing it right now...
Which is great, because you know that old saying about always keeping a towel with you... Now it makes much more sense... Not only are they massively useful when mini rafting, or on alien moons, they are great at covering up your bum while you write outdoors... Well, I should go... not only is this whole post rather moot now, I have a whole bunch of Sasquatchs looking at me and pointing... And really it's not the first time I've done this or worse, but I'm starting to feel self conscious and a bit cold too...
Well, never mind all this... And sorry to waste your time.
lol this thread brought a smile to me :)
"laughtose intolerant"; I like that. And it goes right along with your forum signature too.