Need a Little Feedback Please.

EClark1849EClark1849 Posts: 128
edited December 2012 in The Commons

Attached Link: http://www.4shared.com/office/PSwVyyow/Busy_Day.html


Okay, so I was looking for a way to make some money with Poser. Now I like to write and have tried to make comics for the web (Android, Crickett McGuire), but I haven't tried to sell them or make any money off of them. But I thought I'd try something in the same general area.

I've written a children's book. First Draft, with Poser illustrations, and I've uploaded the PDF to the internet. It won't stay there long, but I would love to hear from any of you that would like to read it and give me your opinion.

It is a children's book and I tried to keep the age range between toddler and first grade.

You can download the book using the included link.

Post edited by EClark1849 on

Comments

  • PendraiaPendraia Posts: 2,524
    edited December 1969

    Attached Link: http://www.4shared.com/office/Xnw6eCmr/Busy_Day.html

    Okay, so I was looking for a way to make some money with Poser. Now I like to write and have tried to make comics for the web (Android, Crickett McGuire), but I haven't tried to sell them or make any money off of them. But I thought I'd try something in the same general area.

    I've written a children's book. First Draft, with Poser illustrations, and I've uploaded the PDF to the internet. It won't stay there long, but I would love to hear from any of you that would like to read it and give me your opinion.

    It is a children's book and I tried to keep the age range between toddler and first grade.

    You can download the book using the included link.

    Hi EClark,

    As a teacher I've read lots of stories to kids. I currently teach grade 1/2. I only got part of the story and the PDF didn't display well on my iPad. The writing was portrait and the pics were landscape not sure if that is just an iPad issue.

    This is important as teachers use iPads more and more for telling stories. They can also be linked to smart boards, I haven't tried that yet but that also is something to keep in mind when creating books. It's good to have a hard copy but also an ebook.

    I'm only just waking up but will have another look on my desktop when I'm more awake and have had some coffee...

  • Herald of FireHerald of Fire Posts: 3,384
    edited December 1969

    The Text is portrait on PC as well, so it's not an iPad issue. It's definitely something you want to look at. I recommend designing the entire pdf file to be landscape instead of portrait to eliminate the textual weirdness that happens when you save files. Portrait pdf documents naturally prefer to display portrait text.

  • CypherFOXCypherFOX Posts: 2,360
    edited December 2012

    Greetings,
    So...I'm taking this in the 'critique' approach, so please take what I say in that sense, not as criticism... I have two small boys, who are pretty picky about their reading material.

    Without being able to download the whole thing (you have to sign up) all I could look at was the preview, which didn't display well at all. It looks interesting, but...my eldest is 4.5 (pre-K) and already reading things with more of a plot/point than at least was visible in the preview, so I think it's targeted younger than 1st grade. (My POV may be skewed, however, as he's an advanced reader.)

    If I compare it to a more 'start to read' book, like The Fox on the Box, I see more similarity to what you seem to be going for...the repetition of the 'busy day' phrase, and a more slice-of-life approach. There are too many sentences per page for that kind of book, though. In those, you want a few small words per page, so that they have a sense of accomplishment when they read each page, that draws them on to continue reading.

    I think you need to refine your target, either add a bit more plot (without seeing the parts beyond the preview, I can't tell if there already is one, so forgive me if I just didn't get to it) and less repetition, or shrink the number of sentences and words per page significantly, and aim for the younger crowd.

    Irrespective of whether you choose to target younger or older, you should also edit just as ruthlessly as you would edit for Young Adult or Fiction writing, so things like 'just like most brothers and sisters do' would be removed, because it's both unnecessary and hand-wavy. You want to write in unambiguous, simple, short statements with as few conjunctions as possible.

    Writing children's books is harder than writing normal fiction, because as adults, we don't think in those patterns anymore. You can take contextual shortcuts in writing targeted at young adults and adults, because there is a wealth of shared knowledge and understanding. That shared context doesn't exist with the age group you're aiming for. I have several books that were nominally written for small kids, and my eldest can read and recognize the words just fine, but the meaning of it all together completely escapes him because he hasn't experienced politics, gender differences, behind-a-desk schoolteachers, janitors, etc., in a way that he can relate it to.

    Your story seems like the start of a simple slice-of-life story. I only got to '"All right," said Billy. "Let's go."', the page before the picture (presumably) of the playground, as that's all the preview allowed.

    My wife is a writer, so I know how hard it is to work on this stuff. Hopefully you have small children you can sit and read it to, and fine-tune it offline as well.

    I wish you the best of luck!

    -- Morgan

    Post edited by CypherFOX on
  • PendraiaPendraia Posts: 2,524
    edited December 2012

    Okay, I've had my coffee and I've had another look at it.

    I agree with Cyperfox...writing for kids is not easy. They need to be able to connect to the text. Please do not take what I say next the wrong way as I mean it only to help.

    The way it reads reminds me of books I read when I was young. I'm now 52 going on 53 this January. Kids today will possibly find it harder to connect with the way it is written as they speak less formally and they use words that are more current. For example the boy would be more likely to say something like "I'll beat you to the swing" than which one do you want to go on first. Just my two cents for what it's worth.
    The best thing to do if you want to write kids books is have a look at some of the top writers. People like Mem Fox , Alison Lester , Pamela Allen and Lynley Dodd spring to mind there are many more.

    I can tell you kids love books that rhyme like the Lynley Dodd ones, or books that they can relate to their own lives like the Alison Lester books where each page is about how kids are different...Rosie sips spiders springs to mind. We used Alison Lester as an author study this year and the kids loved her books but they don't have plots. They love books that have humor and make them laugh also.

    I can understand what a mammoth undertaking this is as I'm planning on doing something similar. I was going to try it out on my kids at school as I went. I'm lucky that I have a test group to try it out on.

    I hope what I've written is helpful...

    Hugs

    Pen

    edited to add: I don't start school until the end of January but if you want me to test it on my grade contact me via pm and I would be happy to give you feedback from the students.

    Post edited by Pendraia on
  • TaozenTaozen Posts: 2,218
    edited December 2012

    Ugh, bad site. It want's you to install a download manager which is absolutely unnecessary for downloading a PDF file.

    Post edited by Taozen on
  • mjc1016mjc1016 Posts: 7,850
    edited December 1969

    Taozen said:

    Ugh, bad site. It want's you to install a download manager which is absolutely unnecessary for downloading a PDF file.

    4shared doesn't need to install it's d/l manager...but you do need to subscribe to it. And there are different types of subscription, with the free one be the most basic/least features. The d/l manager will get something 'special' but I haven't a clue what that is...

  • EClark1849EClark1849 Posts: 128
    edited December 1969

    mjc1016 said:
    Taozen said:

    Ugh, bad site. It want's you to install a download manager which is absolutely unnecessary for downloading a PDF file.

    4shared doesn't need to install it's d/l manager...but you do need to subscribe to it. And there are different types of subscription, with the free one be the most basic/least features. The d/l manager will get something 'special' but I haven't a clue what that is...

    No you don't need the download manager, but yes you have to subscribe to download. I understand that a some of people have a problem with that, but frankly, it's free and not much different from of sites you have to subscribe to download from like ShareCG.

  • EClark1849EClark1849 Posts: 128
    edited December 1969

    Pendraia said:
    Attached Link: http://www.4shared.com/office/Xnw6eCmr/Busy_Day.html

    Okay, so I was looking for a way to make some money with Poser. Now I like to write and have tried to make comics for the web (Android, Crickett McGuire), but I haven't tried to sell them or make any money off of them. But I thought I'd try something in the same general area.

    I've written a children's book. First Draft, with Poser illustrations, and I've uploaded the PDF to the internet. It won't stay there long, but I would love to hear from any of you that would like to read it and give me your opinion.

    It is a children's book and I tried to keep the age range between toddler and first grade.

    You can download the book using the included link.

    Hi EClark,

    As a teacher I've read lots of stories to kids. I currently teach grade 1/2. I only got part of the story and the PDF didn't display well on my iPad. The writing was portrait and the pics were landscape not sure if that is just an iPad issue.

    This is important as teachers use iPads more and more for telling stories. They can also be linked to smart boards, I haven't tried that yet but that also is something to keep in mind when creating books. It's good to have a hard copy but also an ebook.

    I'm only just waking up but will have another look on my desktop when I'm more awake and have had some coffee...

    Both the text and artwork should be in landscape mode.

  • FirstBastionFirstBastion Posts: 2,408
    edited December 1969

    Also willing to have a look but I'm not signing up to a site to download a pdf, you might want to try some other service.

  • EClark1849EClark1849 Posts: 128
    edited December 1969

    Also willing to have a look but I'm not signing up to a site to download a pdf, you might want to try some other service.

    I'd email it to you but I don't have your email address. If you want to PM me with it though, I'll send it to you.

    Also, just re-uploaded it trying to work out the landscaping vs. portrait formatting. Think I got it right this time.

    http://www.4shared.com/office/PSwVyyow/Busy_Day.html

Sign In or Register to comment.
Rocket Fuel